A month has passed without any updates on this blog. There were many reasons for that but the main reason was probably the level of stress I was under. 2009 was one of the best and one of the worst years I've had. I was more than relieved when it was finally over.
2010 has begun just amazingly well and I will do my best to keep it on that track. Let me give you a quick review of my great new year this far.
About the cruise with John. It was last week. I was in a really bad mood for the first part of the evening. All I could think of was that I was stuck with him for the next couple of days. Behaving myself seemed the hardest task ever so I was rather ill-mannered towards him. I was snappy and grumpy and undoubtedly not the most charming companion
But as we were drinking cocktails and watching the midnight cabaret I eased up. We chatted about music and such and it was really normal since he didn't make any public displays of affection. I did sleep with him that night, 'tho. I knew how much he wanted it and well, I hadn't had any myself since the rabbit sex case which you might recall.
We spent the next day in the destination city, mostly shopping. Among other things I got the most perfect boots ever. They made me so happy I just couldn't be anything else but nice for the rest of the day. When we got to bed late in the night John took me in his arms.
'We won't be seeing each other that often anymore.. You won't be coming to my town anymore and I rarely happen to come to yours. When people don't see each other for a long time it's inevitable that their feelings are bound to fade. So this trip was kind of a parting gift to you.'
I didn't answer. I didn't want to lie about still having feelings towards him. I also didn't want him to see how happy I was to hear that from him. The reason I had been so wayward with John was because I felt pressured by him all the time. He didn't let me breathe. The moment he said what he had said I felt so relieved. I knew that he did it because he finally understood that he can't win me back after what he did last summer. I also knew he still loves me. I knew he was hurting but I also knew I would hurt him more by acting the way I had.
A day after going back home I got a text from him, saying he would still like to remain friends. I told him that first we should become friends and then we can remain that since we've never actually been friends. We were acquaintances and then lovers. 'Why not?' I thought to myself. Friends it is. There is no tension between us, I can act my friend-me way instead of the hellcat-me way.
This got long again. I'll tell you about the others in the next post.
Love,
Passion
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
John: Lovesick
About a month (well, exactly a month) ago I promised to post about John. I told you the barebones of what had happened and was planning on making a longer post of it but it really isn't of any importance anymore.
During the past month we've barely made contact. A few weeks ago he seemed alarmed about me not communing with him but I told him my laptop was broken and that I had been rather busy. Which was true.
A couple of weeks passed without him making any attempt to reach me so I assumed he was either resentful or just not interested. As I had promised myself (and also told him about that) I was not going to contact him first - I have nothing against spending time with him but I am not the one to go after him.
Last week on Saturday he couldn't bear it anymore and broke the silence. Well, I saw it just as him contacting after a long time but that's the way he took it. A few minutes past 4 o'clock in the morning I received a text message from him. I wasn't sleeping well that night so the vibrations of the phone woke me up immediately.
He asked me if I was willing to go on a cruise with his daughter. That was it. I thought he wanted me to go and escort her or something, as she is underage and I would be a good choice since she knows me and we get along well. So I replied that it would be a very nice Christmas present.
We exchanged a few more petty messages during the next couple of hours until he finally sent one that was absolutely ridiculous. I am tired of waiting after you. And yet I do. WHAT??? YOU waiting for ME???? I really didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
So this was my answer: There is no way I could reply this without being acrid. So rather I ask, what have you been waiting for? Well, then he decided he's not waiting for anything but that our 'last and only' chance to be together would be going on the cruise just the two of us, without the daughter.
With the next few messages he tried to take it to the relationship matters but I let him know this was not a phone talk and that I was going to sleep since I only had a few hours until the alarm. As usual, this led to him calling me. Six o'clock in the morning. We talked for about an hour.
As it turned out, John and his wife had broken up. And that he misses me terribly. And that he is lovesick for me. And that he is crazy about me. My answer to the last three? 'That's a normal reaction to wanting something you don't have'. 'Maybe,' he agreed. 'But I don't think so.'
He was in town later that day but I was really busy. Since he had wanted to see me 'so bad' I managed to give him half an hour. And again, as usual, he didn't talk about anything important. Just some pointless work related small talk. As usual.
We did agree to go on the cruise together and he booked it today. We're going to go in the middle of January and it's his Christmas present to me (or a Birthday present.. or both, I don't remember which word he used).
The boarding is Thursday evening, the ship sails from our capital to the other capital by the next morning. We'll spend a day there (he knows the city so he's doing all the planning) and then start our way back in the evening, bringing us back to homeland by the next morning. He's already scheduling a museum for the morning, then lunch and after that shopping. Works for me!
Old love has not awaken in me yet but I don't have anything against spending time with him either. We'll see.
Love,
Passion
During the past month we've barely made contact. A few weeks ago he seemed alarmed about me not communing with him but I told him my laptop was broken and that I had been rather busy. Which was true.
A couple of weeks passed without him making any attempt to reach me so I assumed he was either resentful or just not interested. As I had promised myself (and also told him about that) I was not going to contact him first - I have nothing against spending time with him but I am not the one to go after him.
Last week on Saturday he couldn't bear it anymore and broke the silence. Well, I saw it just as him contacting after a long time but that's the way he took it. A few minutes past 4 o'clock in the morning I received a text message from him. I wasn't sleeping well that night so the vibrations of the phone woke me up immediately.
He asked me if I was willing to go on a cruise with his daughter. That was it. I thought he wanted me to go and escort her or something, as she is underage and I would be a good choice since she knows me and we get along well. So I replied that it would be a very nice Christmas present.
We exchanged a few more petty messages during the next couple of hours until he finally sent one that was absolutely ridiculous. I am tired of waiting after you. And yet I do. WHAT??? YOU waiting for ME???? I really didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
So this was my answer: There is no way I could reply this without being acrid. So rather I ask, what have you been waiting for? Well, then he decided he's not waiting for anything but that our 'last and only' chance to be together would be going on the cruise just the two of us, without the daughter.
With the next few messages he tried to take it to the relationship matters but I let him know this was not a phone talk and that I was going to sleep since I only had a few hours until the alarm. As usual, this led to him calling me. Six o'clock in the morning. We talked for about an hour.
As it turned out, John and his wife had broken up. And that he misses me terribly. And that he is lovesick for me. And that he is crazy about me. My answer to the last three? 'That's a normal reaction to wanting something you don't have'. 'Maybe,' he agreed. 'But I don't think so.'
He was in town later that day but I was really busy. Since he had wanted to see me 'so bad' I managed to give him half an hour. And again, as usual, he didn't talk about anything important. Just some pointless work related small talk. As usual.
We did agree to go on the cruise together and he booked it today. We're going to go in the middle of January and it's his Christmas present to me (or a Birthday present.. or both, I don't remember which word he used).
The boarding is Thursday evening, the ship sails from our capital to the other capital by the next morning. We'll spend a day there (he knows the city so he's doing all the planning) and then start our way back in the evening, bringing us back to homeland by the next morning. He's already scheduling a museum for the morning, then lunch and after that shopping. Works for me!
Old love has not awaken in me yet but I don't have anything against spending time with him either. We'll see.
Love,
Passion
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just for The Record
A few words of 'em all.
Peter. I haven't seen him since August but that's only because I haven't wanted to see him. He keeps on texting and calling every now and then but I keep making excuses such as not having time, being busy etc. Last weekend I was at the Uni again, and as it turned out Peter was giving a workshop in the same town on Saturday. He asked me a few days earlier about accommodation there but I told him that my school's dorm is probably full and suggested a few places far away from there. Friday night I was out with my friends when he suddenly called. My first thought? Noooooooo, I have to invite him out now! I was in luck, he didn't ask about my whereabouts at all. He wanted to know how to get to my school's dorm from the main building. Damn! He was in the same building as me for the weekend. He so invaded my territory. AND he was literally neighbours with John. He then called me on Monday. I was at a meeting so I told him to call later. He didn't. Then he sent me a text on Wednesday about being sick for the last couple of days and promising to contact me on Thursday. The reason for wanting to meet me? His soul needs the touch of my feminine irony and charm. His words, not mine. Oh so cheesy.
John. I have a lot to tell you. This needs a separate post. But just so you know what to expect, we've had quite some alone time with him. Drunk and sober, intercourse and no intercourse, here and there. He's tells me he wants to be with me on one moment and panicks about the age difference on the other. I have told him that I don't trust him and that I have nothing against spending time with him but I won't be expecting anything from him. And that's true. I like to be with him but I stopped dreaming about a mutual future quite some time ago. The funny thing is he has barely contacted me this week and I have barely noticed. And now during writing this post I received a text message from him. Love has come over me again :) Ok. So. What do you want me to say? When I don't know what to say or just don't want to answer I like to respond with questions. This time? It goes in cycles alike with economy for you?
Carl. We've found a mutual fondness for vampires. He, too, goes in cycles, I think. Every now and then he gets really enthusiastic and suggests going to the movies some time. This one weekend he even wanted to come over to make movies-food-wine night at my place. I was really busy that night so instead I invited him to a concert I was helping to organise. He liked it and we had fun. We went to dinner with the festival crowd after the concert and then he gave me a cab ride home. That's about it.
Mark. No news. Haven't talked much lately. My brother is a trainee at the company he works in at the moment. Thanks to him for that!
William. I saw him on Tuesday. The first time I saw him after that kiss. We were at the same event and he called a little after the start but I shut the phone off and sent him a text about the first talker already being on. A couple of hours later the event was over. When we finally got to each other through the crowd I greeted him with a hug. He hugged me back and gave me a kiss on my temple. He also had something to give me. It was a wooden box. I went through hell trying to open it at home but when I finally did, it was worth it. Sorry girls, no pearls or diamonds. Just a bottle of good wine.
Random men. I've been e-mailing with this young lawyer for past couple of weeks. Just chatting about the matters of the world, all through irony and friendly sarcasm. He seems smart and funny. I asked from a mutual friend about him and she told me nothing but good of him. A couple of days ago he asked me about my weekend plans. I told him I was attending a school reunion Friday night but don't have any other plans for the rest of the weekend. He proposed going on a walk. I like walks, I told him. This morning we exchanged numbers via Windows Live. I told him a little about the reunion I was having tonight. I told him I'm not exactly too eager to go - not that I don't want to be with the people there but it's being held at a place about 50 miles out of town which means I have to stay overnight. I prefer sleeping at home. And he told me he could come and pick me up if it got too bad. He's really cute. I hope he becomes worthy of having a name instead of being a random man.
Peter. I haven't seen him since August but that's only because I haven't wanted to see him. He keeps on texting and calling every now and then but I keep making excuses such as not having time, being busy etc. Last weekend I was at the Uni again, and as it turned out Peter was giving a workshop in the same town on Saturday. He asked me a few days earlier about accommodation there but I told him that my school's dorm is probably full and suggested a few places far away from there. Friday night I was out with my friends when he suddenly called. My first thought? Noooooooo, I have to invite him out now! I was in luck, he didn't ask about my whereabouts at all. He wanted to know how to get to my school's dorm from the main building. Damn! He was in the same building as me for the weekend. He so invaded my territory. AND he was literally neighbours with John. He then called me on Monday. I was at a meeting so I told him to call later. He didn't. Then he sent me a text on Wednesday about being sick for the last couple of days and promising to contact me on Thursday. The reason for wanting to meet me? His soul needs the touch of my feminine irony and charm. His words, not mine. Oh so cheesy.
John. I have a lot to tell you. This needs a separate post. But just so you know what to expect, we've had quite some alone time with him. Drunk and sober, intercourse and no intercourse, here and there. He's tells me he wants to be with me on one moment and panicks about the age difference on the other. I have told him that I don't trust him and that I have nothing against spending time with him but I won't be expecting anything from him. And that's true. I like to be with him but I stopped dreaming about a mutual future quite some time ago. The funny thing is he has barely contacted me this week and I have barely noticed. And now during writing this post I received a text message from him. Love has come over me again :) Ok. So. What do you want me to say? When I don't know what to say or just don't want to answer I like to respond with questions. This time? It goes in cycles alike with economy for you?
Carl. We've found a mutual fondness for vampires. He, too, goes in cycles, I think. Every now and then he gets really enthusiastic and suggests going to the movies some time. This one weekend he even wanted to come over to make movies-food-wine night at my place. I was really busy that night so instead I invited him to a concert I was helping to organise. He liked it and we had fun. We went to dinner with the festival crowd after the concert and then he gave me a cab ride home. That's about it.
Mark. No news. Haven't talked much lately. My brother is a trainee at the company he works in at the moment. Thanks to him for that!
William. I saw him on Tuesday. The first time I saw him after that kiss. We were at the same event and he called a little after the start but I shut the phone off and sent him a text about the first talker already being on. A couple of hours later the event was over. When we finally got to each other through the crowd I greeted him with a hug. He hugged me back and gave me a kiss on my temple. He also had something to give me. It was a wooden box. I went through hell trying to open it at home but when I finally did, it was worth it. Sorry girls, no pearls or diamonds. Just a bottle of good wine.
Random men. I've been e-mailing with this young lawyer for past couple of weeks. Just chatting about the matters of the world, all through irony and friendly sarcasm. He seems smart and funny. I asked from a mutual friend about him and she told me nothing but good of him. A couple of days ago he asked me about my weekend plans. I told him I was attending a school reunion Friday night but don't have any other plans for the rest of the weekend. He proposed going on a walk. I like walks, I told him. This morning we exchanged numbers via Windows Live. I told him a little about the reunion I was having tonight. I told him I'm not exactly too eager to go - not that I don't want to be with the people there but it's being held at a place about 50 miles out of town which means I have to stay overnight. I prefer sleeping at home. And he told me he could come and pick me up if it got too bad. He's really cute. I hope he becomes worthy of having a name instead of being a random man.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
William: Save All Your Kisses For Me!
Sorry for the long pause. The 'busy times' I told you about before are over for now. In fact, we had the big closure event last Sunday night. I wasn't feeling too well so I left around half past midnight already. William and I were in different tables so we didn't get to spend almost any time together at the party but he was the one to give me a ride home.
We sat in the car for twenty minutes or so, just discussing the work done and the outcome etc. Before leaving he put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in as usually and.. kissed my cheek again. He pulled me closer for a hug and when releasing me from his grip our lips finally met. It wasn't long. It wasn't deep. But it was oh so soft. It was sweet.
We then exchanged a few more lines, my hand in his, and then I left. We haven't seen since but we're both been quite busy. I hope our paths cross again some time.
* * *
Quick updates about the other guys, too.
Peter sent me two completely empty texts in a row on Monday. I have no idea what was that about since I didn't reply. Nor he has contacted since then. I'm in luck!
Carl and I have become a little distant for now. We still stick together at mutual events but on a friendly level, of course. Our daily chats have been on the wane for quite some time 'tho.
Mark is still Mark. He always starts with his 'naughty talk' on the Windows Live when he's bored. ( Will get to the end of the wedding story soon! Sorry!!! )
John.. Well, I told you about us chatting all normally the last time. It's still the same. And we did meet on Tuesday, he was in town for a meeting and we went out for a coffee after it. He told me about his business trips and work and then we talked about politics.. and that was about it. Later on he sent me a text saying it was so good to see me.
I've slept the first half of the week and run around the other half so I have a lot of catching up to do on all of your fabulous blogs!
Love,
Passion
We sat in the car for twenty minutes or so, just discussing the work done and the outcome etc. Before leaving he put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in as usually and.. kissed my cheek again. He pulled me closer for a hug and when releasing me from his grip our lips finally met. It wasn't long. It wasn't deep. But it was oh so soft. It was sweet.
We then exchanged a few more lines, my hand in his, and then I left. We haven't seen since but we're both been quite busy. I hope our paths cross again some time.
* * *
Quick updates about the other guys, too.
Peter sent me two completely empty texts in a row on Monday. I have no idea what was that about since I didn't reply. Nor he has contacted since then. I'm in luck!
Carl and I have become a little distant for now. We still stick together at mutual events but on a friendly level, of course. Our daily chats have been on the wane for quite some time 'tho.
Mark is still Mark. He always starts with his 'naughty talk' on the Windows Live when he's bored. ( Will get to the end of the wedding story soon! Sorry!!! )
John.. Well, I told you about us chatting all normally the last time. It's still the same. And we did meet on Tuesday, he was in town for a meeting and we went out for a coffee after it. He told me about his business trips and work and then we talked about politics.. and that was about it. Later on he sent me a text saying it was so good to see me.
I've slept the first half of the week and run around the other half so I have a lot of catching up to do on all of your fabulous blogs!
Love,
Passion
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
BRB
The past month has been absolutely crazy work wise and the next two weeks will be even worse. Meaning The Mark Story will have to wait a little more to be finished. 'Tho it hasn't exactly ended yet so 'finish' is not the right word to use.. Let's say it will take a bit of time before I can get it up to date here.
Just a quick review on the men lately:
John is on a business trip this week. We have had a few IM chats via Skype and things are more than normal. No pain hidden in our words, nothing like that. Just plain friendly talkin' on daily subjects and life philosophy and other blabla as such.
Peter I've heard nothing of for a couple of weeks - the last time he called me I told him I was busy and he asked me if there was any point of contacting me before the end of the busy time (in the middle of October) and I said 'no'. Hopefully he forgets and won't contact me at all, I just don't like to be mean and reject anyone yet I don't want to go out with him either.
Mark is being so Mark. We have a few MSN chats weekly and the last weekend he even called me and tried to convince me to go out clubbing with him. And then he forgot the Skype call on so I overheard him talking to his friend about me. That's a part of The Mark Story and will come soon.
And then there are the Random men as I have labelled them. There are a few that aren't actually that random at all since I associate with them daily but anything too interesting hasn't happened.
There is one young boy who is pretty much the male me - we act the same, we think the same, we like the same. 'Tho I like it a lot I can still feel his youth. He is a lot more mature than other boys of his age but he still lacks experience and tact and is a bit immature time to time. We get along extremely well. The first few days after we met there was some intense flirting but then we discovered that we understand each other so well we can come to each other with our deepest worries. So we're more like fiduciaries than anything else to one another. The flirt hasn't really gone anywhere but it's not spicy anymore, I'd rather call it ineluctable since we are both irresistable, haha. But I'd still like to give him a name and his own label, too. The young boy will be known as Carl from here on.
And then there is the man I've paired up at work for the busy times. When around others we act all normal - that means very very friendly since everyone has understood we get along more than well. But when we're going around doing our thing.. well, let's just say the heat is hot. Our flirt is so very assertive and I think that's exactly what we like about each other - the confidence and the wit. And yet it's not sexy and seducive but rather attractive and trusting - and strangely natural. Very weird. And again, I love the fact he's a man of experience, I can sense it with every cell in my body. Even 'tho the chances of things staying just platonic are high I would still like to name him, too. Everybody, let's welcome William to the bunch.
I will probably never change. Short posts are just impossible to achieve.
Love,
Passion
Just a quick review on the men lately:
John is on a business trip this week. We have had a few IM chats via Skype and things are more than normal. No pain hidden in our words, nothing like that. Just plain friendly talkin' on daily subjects and life philosophy and other blabla as such.
Peter I've heard nothing of for a couple of weeks - the last time he called me I told him I was busy and he asked me if there was any point of contacting me before the end of the busy time (in the middle of October) and I said 'no'. Hopefully he forgets and won't contact me at all, I just don't like to be mean and reject anyone yet I don't want to go out with him either.
Mark is being so Mark. We have a few MSN chats weekly and the last weekend he even called me and tried to convince me to go out clubbing with him. And then he forgot the Skype call on so I overheard him talking to his friend about me. That's a part of The Mark Story and will come soon.
And then there are the Random men as I have labelled them. There are a few that aren't actually that random at all since I associate with them daily but anything too interesting hasn't happened.
There is one young boy who is pretty much the male me - we act the same, we think the same, we like the same. 'Tho I like it a lot I can still feel his youth. He is a lot more mature than other boys of his age but he still lacks experience and tact and is a bit immature time to time. We get along extremely well. The first few days after we met there was some intense flirting but then we discovered that we understand each other so well we can come to each other with our deepest worries. So we're more like fiduciaries than anything else to one another. The flirt hasn't really gone anywhere but it's not spicy anymore, I'd rather call it ineluctable since we are both irresistable, haha. But I'd still like to give him a name and his own label, too. The young boy will be known as Carl from here on.
And then there is the man I've paired up at work for the busy times. When around others we act all normal - that means very very friendly since everyone has understood we get along more than well. But when we're going around doing our thing.. well, let's just say the heat is hot. Our flirt is so very assertive and I think that's exactly what we like about each other - the confidence and the wit. And yet it's not sexy and seducive but rather attractive and trusting - and strangely natural. Very weird. And again, I love the fact he's a man of experience, I can sense it with every cell in my body. Even 'tho the chances of things staying just platonic are high I would still like to name him, too. Everybody, let's welcome William to the bunch.
I will probably never change. Short posts are just impossible to achieve.
Love,
Passion
Monday, September 28, 2009
John: Things Will Never Change
As I told you the last time, John had promised to call me on last Tuesday. Somewhere around afternoon I sent him a text calling his bluff. Half an hour later he called just to tell me how busy he had been the whole day. I had a meeting coming up so I couldn't meet him and promised to call him later. I did around seven but then he was already busy again. He was attending an opening event for some project. I was at friend's place very close to his event so I told him to call me later in the night when the important parts of the event are over and when he's coming out for a cigarette or smt. He didn't.
I sent him a text around midnight asking if he was still there. As I found out in the morning, yes, he had been. He had sent me a text around four o'clock in the morning saying sorry and that the concert had been loud and his phone had been muted and that he would call me in the morning. Duh! You take your phone out yourself if you want contact, not apologize for not having read other's texts. Obviously I didn't believe him but I didn't say anything either.
So 'morning' was around five o'clock in the afternoon. He was already leaving town but I was at a long meeting anyway. 'I will be back in town on Friday. Maybe we can meet then?' Hah. I don't think I sounded exactly too enthusiastic when giving him an answer. 'Yeaaah.. Well, I've got school this weekend so I'll be in J-Town.' That pretty much brought an end to our conversation.
Friday night was a girls' night out. Me and a girlfriend from school went to a bar for some snack and warm-up drinks first and then to a club. Which was EMPTY! I have no idea what was that about since the club is very popular there and usually packed. When we got there there was around four individuals besides us and the staff and throughout the night maybe 30-40 came by, a maximum of 20 on the dance floor at one time. Anyway, at least it wasn't hot and sweaty and there was enough room and oxygen for all of us so we did what we had come to do - dance, dance, dance!
We left around twenty past three and I was in bed by a quarter to four. I tried to fall asleep but it was so cold in the dorm I barely could. At 05:26 I got an SMS from John. By exchanging a few of those he found out I was in J-Town and at the dorm. He let me know he was going to a friend's room and wanted to know what I was doing. You ask me that half past five in the morning?? 'What should I be doing? Probably trying to get a few hours of sleep before class.' That was it and I fell asleep again.
Ten minutes past six John called me. The next ten minutes he was telling me he had the key to a room in the guest house part of the dorm and that I would be a lot more comfortable there, and I kept telling him I've got school at nine and I have to get at least SOME sleep. The conversation resulted with me packing my tooth brush, shampoo and make-up and going.
A few minutes before half past six we were already at the small kitchen table in the forementioned room, puffing on a cigarette. 'We're not going to talk about anything serious now, are we?' It was more of a statement than a question. I shook my head so we started to talk about.. well, what ever. Mainly work. Around seven he remembered I had class at nine so he suggested I'd go to sleep and hurried to check if the bed was made. I stood up and when he came back he took me in arms and held me tight and long, burying his face into my neck. He the pulled back just a little to look into my eyes. There was a mix of hurt and tenderness in them, probably the same he saw in mine. And then he kissed me. I had almost forgot how soft his lips were.
We broke it off and when moving to the bedroom I asked him if he wasn't going to sleep there. He thought a little and even 'tho he had planned on going home (which was the apartment next to ours) he decided to stay. It was cold there, too, so I refused to go all naked and left my close-fitting turtleneck and panties on. I turned my back to him and was ready for some spooning and an hour and a half of sweet dreams. That didn't work for Mister I-Wan't-Things-My-Way so I turned around to face him. It was so good and yet so painful to be in his arms. I tried my best to hold back the tears, especially when he told me that even 'tho we weren't supposed to talk about it this time he just couldn't get our last call off his mind. I didn't say anything.
At some point we finally fell asleep. When the phone alarm went off I shut it, thought for half a second about the class and about getting a chance to be with John like this again, and went back to sleep. Eventually we woke up around eleven. Half an hour later he had to leave in a real hurry since his friends came behind his door (which was the door next to our room) to look for him. He told me to keep the key for now and, after giving me a kiss, left.
I was convinced we were going to meet again in the evening since I told him about a concert I had planned on going to and he told me he would come, too. Guess who wasn't there? Everybody from our 'gang' was there except him and his wife. Others told me he was sleeping at home since and had promised to join later. He didn't. And he also had his phoned switched off. I don't think he was sleepy. I think his wife was pissed since he hadn't been home the last night. And I think she might even think I had something to do with it since it was me and her who were supposed to go to the concert in the first place but she didn't answer my calls. The next time I talk to John I'll ask him about it.
I left J-Town Sunday morning half past six. John called me Sunday afternoon apologizing about not coming and asking what did I do with the key since that had been my main subject in texts to him - what should I do with it? Well, I did the only thing I could, I gave it to the dorm guard lady even 'tho it was weird that I was returning the dorm room key I had got on my name and then a guest house room key which I should've had nothing to do with. Anyway, he also asked me when I was coming back to J-Town again and when I told him the next weekend, it turned out he himself won't be there.
As the title says, I think things with John will never change. He will probably always be pushing me away. And always following me where ever he pushed me.
Love,
Passion
P.S. We did sleep in eachother's arms but we did not have sex. At one point when he had let his hands wander off and the kissing had become a bit more passionate he asked me if I would surrender him 'right now' I told him 'no'. Actually I was prepared for it by Saturday night and actually already wanted it.. but as you know, he didn't show up.
I sent him a text around midnight asking if he was still there. As I found out in the morning, yes, he had been. He had sent me a text around four o'clock in the morning saying sorry and that the concert had been loud and his phone had been muted and that he would call me in the morning. Duh! You take your phone out yourself if you want contact, not apologize for not having read other's texts. Obviously I didn't believe him but I didn't say anything either.
So 'morning' was around five o'clock in the afternoon. He was already leaving town but I was at a long meeting anyway. 'I will be back in town on Friday. Maybe we can meet then?' Hah. I don't think I sounded exactly too enthusiastic when giving him an answer. 'Yeaaah.. Well, I've got school this weekend so I'll be in J-Town.' That pretty much brought an end to our conversation.
Friday night was a girls' night out. Me and a girlfriend from school went to a bar for some snack and warm-up drinks first and then to a club. Which was EMPTY! I have no idea what was that about since the club is very popular there and usually packed. When we got there there was around four individuals besides us and the staff and throughout the night maybe 30-40 came by, a maximum of 20 on the dance floor at one time. Anyway, at least it wasn't hot and sweaty and there was enough room and oxygen for all of us so we did what we had come to do - dance, dance, dance!
We left around twenty past three and I was in bed by a quarter to four. I tried to fall asleep but it was so cold in the dorm I barely could. At 05:26 I got an SMS from John. By exchanging a few of those he found out I was in J-Town and at the dorm. He let me know he was going to a friend's room and wanted to know what I was doing. You ask me that half past five in the morning?? 'What should I be doing? Probably trying to get a few hours of sleep before class.' That was it and I fell asleep again.
Ten minutes past six John called me. The next ten minutes he was telling me he had the key to a room in the guest house part of the dorm and that I would be a lot more comfortable there, and I kept telling him I've got school at nine and I have to get at least SOME sleep. The conversation resulted with me packing my tooth brush, shampoo and make-up and going.
A few minutes before half past six we were already at the small kitchen table in the forementioned room, puffing on a cigarette. 'We're not going to talk about anything serious now, are we?' It was more of a statement than a question. I shook my head so we started to talk about.. well, what ever. Mainly work. Around seven he remembered I had class at nine so he suggested I'd go to sleep and hurried to check if the bed was made. I stood up and when he came back he took me in arms and held me tight and long, burying his face into my neck. He the pulled back just a little to look into my eyes. There was a mix of hurt and tenderness in them, probably the same he saw in mine. And then he kissed me. I had almost forgot how soft his lips were.
We broke it off and when moving to the bedroom I asked him if he wasn't going to sleep there. He thought a little and even 'tho he had planned on going home (which was the apartment next to ours) he decided to stay. It was cold there, too, so I refused to go all naked and left my close-fitting turtleneck and panties on. I turned my back to him and was ready for some spooning and an hour and a half of sweet dreams. That didn't work for Mister I-Wan't-Things-My-Way so I turned around to face him. It was so good and yet so painful to be in his arms. I tried my best to hold back the tears, especially when he told me that even 'tho we weren't supposed to talk about it this time he just couldn't get our last call off his mind. I didn't say anything.
At some point we finally fell asleep. When the phone alarm went off I shut it, thought for half a second about the class and about getting a chance to be with John like this again, and went back to sleep. Eventually we woke up around eleven. Half an hour later he had to leave in a real hurry since his friends came behind his door (which was the door next to our room) to look for him. He told me to keep the key for now and, after giving me a kiss, left.
I was convinced we were going to meet again in the evening since I told him about a concert I had planned on going to and he told me he would come, too. Guess who wasn't there? Everybody from our 'gang' was there except him and his wife. Others told me he was sleeping at home since and had promised to join later. He didn't. And he also had his phoned switched off. I don't think he was sleepy. I think his wife was pissed since he hadn't been home the last night. And I think she might even think I had something to do with it since it was me and her who were supposed to go to the concert in the first place but she didn't answer my calls. The next time I talk to John I'll ask him about it.
I left J-Town Sunday morning half past six. John called me Sunday afternoon apologizing about not coming and asking what did I do with the key since that had been my main subject in texts to him - what should I do with it? Well, I did the only thing I could, I gave it to the dorm guard lady even 'tho it was weird that I was returning the dorm room key I had got on my name and then a guest house room key which I should've had nothing to do with. Anyway, he also asked me when I was coming back to J-Town again and when I told him the next weekend, it turned out he himself won't be there.
As the title says, I think things with John will never change. He will probably always be pushing me away. And always following me where ever he pushed me.
Love,
Passion
P.S. We did sleep in eachother's arms but we did not have sex. At one point when he had let his hands wander off and the kissing had become a bit more passionate he asked me if I would surrender him 'right now' I told him 'no'. Actually I was prepared for it by Saturday night and actually already wanted it.. but as you know, he didn't show up.
Friday, September 18, 2009
John: Taken Aback
My heart is racing right now. I feel dizzy, very dizzy. It's hard to focus my sight, hard to focus on anything at all. I just got a text from John. I haven't heard from him.. well, since the last time I told you I heard of him. I just checked my e-mail. The last time I heard from him was on 1st of August. It's been freakin' one and a half months!!!
Now let me breathe for a moment. The text he sent held nothing but the name of the city he lives in and a question mark. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before but I live in one city and study in another, I'm in a long distance program so I go there twice a month. He lives in the city I study in. Therefor I responded I wasn't there but at home and that it wasn't school yet.
"Haven't seen you around. Are you still attending school?" Well, duh, I just told you it hasn't started yet.
"School hasn't started yet. But I've got the impression that it suits you better anyway when I'm not around. How are you?" was my response.
"Great. Couldn't be any better. We just got a *some random BS about his work* title."
"Congratulations." What else was I to say?
"Thank you." Was the last one which I got four minutes ago.
F*ck, I don't know how to react. There's a whirlpool of emotions storming inside me at the moment:
1) I'm shocked since I didn't think I'd hear from him again before we met through our mutual friends by chance
2) I'm angry since he pulled his usual pointless small talk act on me again. I mean what is this is supposed to be, mister? You contact me out of the blue and then talk about your freakin' JOB????
3) I couldn't be happier. I'm all tingly and the butterflies in my stomach make me want to vomit (you know, like in South Park).
I really don't know what to do know. I can't send anything myself after that 'Thank you' message, can I? I'm too scared he won't answer me, anyway.
I know I have some Valerian somewhere.. That should do the trick of calming me down.
Love,
Passion
*** EDIT
I couldn't hold myself back and DID send him another text myself. I'm sorry but I still haven't understood what have/had I done to deserve this kind of treatment.
He hasn't responded. I'm such a weak little wuss.
**** EDIT
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH HIM AS I WRITE THIS SENTENCE.
***** EDIT
So this is the last edit for this post. I just got off the phone with John (the call lasted for 31 minutes). Most of the time he gave me the usual age difference cr*p. He kept on telling me he was too old and didn't deserve me and that I was so young and fresh and should find a guy my own age who would be so much better for me than him. He tried to convince me that time will heal all wounds and that I should just forget about him. I didn't say much since I had tears pouring the whole time but in the last five minutes I decided to go for it since I had had enough of his usual BS. I gave him a speech about that age argument being old and pointless since I've never cared for it. I told him that love doesn't ask for age and that he either has a deeper reason and he's not telling me or he doesn't have a real reason. I said that eventually it will come down to the fact whether there is love or isn't love, and if there is it's stupid to make up excuses only out of fear of failure. During and after my little speech he was really quiet which is very unusual since he is such a chatter-box. When he finally spoke this is what he said: You're even better than I thought you were. Anyway, it turned out he's going to be in my city on the next Tuesday so he promised to call me. I asked him to think about what I had said and he responded he already knows what I meant.
I was really panicked before and especially during the call but when I finally got to put my foot down and when I felt the difference in his attitude after my speech.. I just felt calm. So what ever the outcome is at least I know my heart is clean.
Now let me breathe for a moment. The text he sent held nothing but the name of the city he lives in and a question mark. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before but I live in one city and study in another, I'm in a long distance program so I go there twice a month. He lives in the city I study in. Therefor I responded I wasn't there but at home and that it wasn't school yet.
"Haven't seen you around. Are you still attending school?" Well, duh, I just told you it hasn't started yet.
"School hasn't started yet. But I've got the impression that it suits you better anyway when I'm not around. How are you?" was my response.
"Great. Couldn't be any better. We just got a *some random BS about his work* title."
"Congratulations." What else was I to say?
"Thank you." Was the last one which I got four minutes ago.
F*ck, I don't know how to react. There's a whirlpool of emotions storming inside me at the moment:
1) I'm shocked since I didn't think I'd hear from him again before we met through our mutual friends by chance
2) I'm angry since he pulled his usual pointless small talk act on me again. I mean what is this is supposed to be, mister? You contact me out of the blue and then talk about your freakin' JOB????
3) I couldn't be happier. I'm all tingly and the butterflies in my stomach make me want to vomit (you know, like in South Park).
I really don't know what to do know. I can't send anything myself after that 'Thank you' message, can I? I'm too scared he won't answer me, anyway.
I know I have some Valerian somewhere.. That should do the trick of calming me down.
Love,
Passion
*** EDIT
I couldn't hold myself back and DID send him another text myself. I'm sorry but I still haven't understood what have/had I done to deserve this kind of treatment.
He hasn't responded. I'm such a weak little wuss.
**** EDIT
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH HIM AS I WRITE THIS SENTENCE.
***** EDIT
So this is the last edit for this post. I just got off the phone with John (the call lasted for 31 minutes). Most of the time he gave me the usual age difference cr*p. He kept on telling me he was too old and didn't deserve me and that I was so young and fresh and should find a guy my own age who would be so much better for me than him. He tried to convince me that time will heal all wounds and that I should just forget about him. I didn't say much since I had tears pouring the whole time but in the last five minutes I decided to go for it since I had had enough of his usual BS. I gave him a speech about that age argument being old and pointless since I've never cared for it. I told him that love doesn't ask for age and that he either has a deeper reason and he's not telling me or he doesn't have a real reason. I said that eventually it will come down to the fact whether there is love or isn't love, and if there is it's stupid to make up excuses only out of fear of failure. During and after my little speech he was really quiet which is very unusual since he is such a chatter-box. When he finally spoke this is what he said: You're even better than I thought you were. Anyway, it turned out he's going to be in my city on the next Tuesday so he promised to call me. I asked him to think about what I had said and he responded he already knows what I meant.
I was really panicked before and especially during the call but when I finally got to put my foot down and when I felt the difference in his attitude after my speech.. I just felt calm. So what ever the outcome is at least I know my heart is clean.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Troubled -> Disturbed -> Confident
He had put his response into three rather short paragraphs. I suppose he managed to deliver his every message with just a few sentences but I was hoping for something in the capacity of a novel, I guess. Hell, the three paragraphs could've been a best-selling trilogy! Anyway, let me do some imparting towards you and make his short messages even shorter.
§1. My letter has saddened him. He didn't want to hurt me but knows he has and that saddens him even more.
§2. He agrees that avoiding, dissembling and such is very careless and not fair. Right now, he can't evolve our relationsip anymore. He didn't want to say that by e-mail but he also didn't want to keep me uninformed.
§3. He feels really lousy but he doesn't see another way in the situation and thus has made his decision. He is sorry that he will probably lose my affection and respect by acting the way he is.
You can only imagine how I felt reading it. I was prepared for something unpleasant reason-wise but it's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason so .. in a matter of seconds my heart had dropped to my stomach, racing like crazy. I felt an imaginary string around my neck and the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I couldn't focus my sight on anything nor could I understand what other people around me were saying. Fortunately they weren't talking to me - it would've gained too much energy and willpower to get a grip of myself for communicating normally, and not burst in tears in public. *I'm experiencing the same physical symptoms again just by writing about it.*
Anyway, I did get a grip of myself. I am too inquisitive (Reading Between The Lines would be my Indian name) to just leave such a thing to that - I immediately had a handful of questions so I sent him a few of them. What did the not right now considering evolving our relationship mean? Was it just to soften the blow or does it mean after some time he could?? What is the situation that made him make the decision he made? Is it conditioned by some kind of external factors or have his feelings for me simply faded away? And a few more of the same tone. I also let him know he could never lose my affection - even if I tried thinking badly of him I wouldn't be able to.
I got a short reply already the next day. This time it really was short:
Haven't faded away. You're dear. You're good at reading between lines :) Really can't say more right now.
Some twenty minutes after that he had sent another one saying he really doesn't want to discuss these matters via e-mail but in person. He stated he wants to meet and talk (hmm, where have I heard that before?).
Anyway, that was the last time I heard of him and that was on the first of August. About a week ago I sent him another e-mail describing what I miss about him. I do miss him. But after reading that last but one e-mail all (or most) of my despair vanished. I know now that what ever it is, he hasn't stopped loving me and I am willing to wait. After reading that message for maybe tenth time or so, a song came to my mind and it hasn't left since. "I Have Confidence In Me" from The Sound of Music performed by Julie Andrews. I do have confidence in me and that's what'll keep me going.
So I thought to myself.. if this is the way it's gonna be - me willing to wait without being able to be with him at all - I am not going to just sit around and let life pass me by. My heart is reserved for him but I'm young and self-confident and won't deny myself anything I happen to want. Lovelife-wise, that is.
That said, be prepared for my past weekend lechery. (k, it's not THAT bad but bad enough.) And I'm not talking about Peter. Oh, but I can write about him when I go back to Thursday night/Friday morning.. So the weekend story will come a bit later.. hopefully it has gone more interesting by that time, too.
Love,
Passion
§1. My letter has saddened him. He didn't want to hurt me but knows he has and that saddens him even more.
§2. He agrees that avoiding, dissembling and such is very careless and not fair. Right now, he can't evolve our relationsip anymore. He didn't want to say that by e-mail but he also didn't want to keep me uninformed.
§3. He feels really lousy but he doesn't see another way in the situation and thus has made his decision. He is sorry that he will probably lose my affection and respect by acting the way he is.
You can only imagine how I felt reading it. I was prepared for something unpleasant reason-wise but it's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason so .. in a matter of seconds my heart had dropped to my stomach, racing like crazy. I felt an imaginary string around my neck and the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I couldn't focus my sight on anything nor could I understand what other people around me were saying. Fortunately they weren't talking to me - it would've gained too much energy and willpower to get a grip of myself for communicating normally, and not burst in tears in public. *I'm experiencing the same physical symptoms again just by writing about it.*
Anyway, I did get a grip of myself. I am too inquisitive (Reading Between The Lines would be my Indian name) to just leave such a thing to that - I immediately had a handful of questions so I sent him a few of them. What did the not right now considering evolving our relationship mean? Was it just to soften the blow or does it mean after some time he could?? What is the situation that made him make the decision he made? Is it conditioned by some kind of external factors or have his feelings for me simply faded away? And a few more of the same tone. I also let him know he could never lose my affection - even if I tried thinking badly of him I wouldn't be able to.
I got a short reply already the next day. This time it really was short:
Haven't faded away. You're dear. You're good at reading between lines :) Really can't say more right now.
Some twenty minutes after that he had sent another one saying he really doesn't want to discuss these matters via e-mail but in person. He stated he wants to meet and talk (hmm, where have I heard that before?).
Anyway, that was the last time I heard of him and that was on the first of August. About a week ago I sent him another e-mail describing what I miss about him. I do miss him. But after reading that last but one e-mail all (or most) of my despair vanished. I know now that what ever it is, he hasn't stopped loving me and I am willing to wait. After reading that message for maybe tenth time or so, a song came to my mind and it hasn't left since. "I Have Confidence In Me" from The Sound of Music performed by Julie Andrews. I do have confidence in me and that's what'll keep me going.
So I thought to myself.. if this is the way it's gonna be - me willing to wait without being able to be with him at all - I am not going to just sit around and let life pass me by. My heart is reserved for him but I'm young and self-confident and won't deny myself anything I happen to want. Lovelife-wise, that is.
That said, be prepared for my past weekend lechery. (k, it's not THAT bad but bad enough.) And I'm not talking about Peter. Oh, but I can write about him when I go back to Thursday night/Friday morning.. So the weekend story will come a bit later.. hopefully it has gone more interesting by that time, too.
Love,
Passion
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Troubled -> Disturbed
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started. "I guess it's negative. I kind of promised Mary (his wife) that as long as we are living under the same roof there will be now other women in my life." I was stunned. That was so.. unexpected. A million thoughts raced through my head in the next two seconds, Does this mean we're over? Or does it mean we just have to wait for a little? Is it even about Mary? Did I do something wrong? Instead of saying anything of importance, I could only mumble a "Mhmm..". John then added hastly, "But now the question is if and for how long DO I stay under that roof." I was sitting there, eyes as wide as they could be, teeth clenched to keep the tears back, and again a lousy 'mhm' was all I could get out.
He didn't say more about that, just that we need to talk face to face. He promised to contact me in the next couple of days to let me know when can it be done. We had some pointless small talk for a few more minutes (well, I actually like the small talk part, it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one) and then he hung up and went back to his reunion, leaving me sobbing on my bed. It was the first time he had made me cry. And cry, oh boy, I did.
As I told you before, that was on Saturday, 25th of July. I did not hear from him in the next couple of days. Actually, I didn't hear from him for almost a week. And when I did, it wasn't because of him wanting to set a date. It was because of the e-mail I sent him on Monday. I didn't plan on contacting him myself but I just couldn't keep my thoughts in anymore and since he obviously wasn't available for a conversation, I didn't see any other way but to e-mail him.
I started off with some witty remarks but actually it was all filled with pain. I kept the letter quiet and reasonable, even 'tho there was a storm - not to say a hurricane - in the glass of water called my heart. I didn't accuse him of anything. I reminded him that once upon a time we had made an agreement - if one of us should lose interest in the other, the other one should be told and that without a delay. It hurts to be rejected but it's worse to be incognizant. I assured him I loved him and wasn't willing to give up without a fight, unless his feelings for me have died out. I regretted my own stupidity for being so naive - I had truly believed that something good had come my way. I asked him the respect to atleast give me a response of some kind.
Days went by and I still didn't hear from him. I had already been upset, disappointed, angry, worried - any negative emotion you can name, I guess. So by Friday I was already checking my e-mail out of habit, not even hoping to find anything of interest. But.. as I saw the 1 new message button my heart started racing, palms got sweaty and my soul was trembling. It was from John.
..to be continued.
Love,
Passion
He didn't say more about that, just that we need to talk face to face. He promised to contact me in the next couple of days to let me know when can it be done. We had some pointless small talk for a few more minutes (well, I actually like the small talk part, it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one) and then he hung up and went back to his reunion, leaving me sobbing on my bed. It was the first time he had made me cry. And cry, oh boy, I did.
As I told you before, that was on Saturday, 25th of July. I did not hear from him in the next couple of days. Actually, I didn't hear from him for almost a week. And when I did, it wasn't because of him wanting to set a date. It was because of the e-mail I sent him on Monday. I didn't plan on contacting him myself but I just couldn't keep my thoughts in anymore and since he obviously wasn't available for a conversation, I didn't see any other way but to e-mail him.
I started off with some witty remarks but actually it was all filled with pain. I kept the letter quiet and reasonable, even 'tho there was a storm - not to say a hurricane - in the glass of water called my heart. I didn't accuse him of anything. I reminded him that once upon a time we had made an agreement - if one of us should lose interest in the other, the other one should be told and that without a delay. It hurts to be rejected but it's worse to be incognizant. I assured him I loved him and wasn't willing to give up without a fight, unless his feelings for me have died out. I regretted my own stupidity for being so naive - I had truly believed that something good had come my way. I asked him the respect to atleast give me a response of some kind.
Days went by and I still didn't hear from him. I had already been upset, disappointed, angry, worried - any negative emotion you can name, I guess. So by Friday I was already checking my e-mail out of habit, not even hoping to find anything of interest. But.. as I saw the 1 new message button my heart started racing, palms got sweaty and my soul was trembling. It was from John.
..to be continued.
Love,
Passion
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Troubled
It has been only a week and a couple of days since my last post and things already have got so much more complicated. I have no idea what it's all about and what the future holds. But let me walk you through the time since the previous post.
As you know, by Friday I knew he was getting better and had received my messages. Him not answering me was rather troubling and made me quite anxious. I tried convincing myself I'm just imagining things but.. Anyway, driven by trepidation I sent him a text telling him to at least let me know if I shouldn't bother him anymore. Sounds childish, I know, but at that point I felt I have to do something and the usual how-are-you-messages didn't give any result.
Saturday night was the first time he contacted me since the short text on Monday. He called me. I could sense that things weren't right, there was this weird hesitation not to say callousness in his voice. He was at his class reunion and mainly talked about that as trying to avoid talking on more important subjects. The tears I had been holding back for the past week came pouring like rain. I hate the way men can be - he asked me if I was crying and I told him it was just cold; he believed me. Actually, I'm sure it was just the ever so manly way to use the easy way out since which man wants to deal with a weeping damsel.
Finally he got it out: we need to meet and talk at some time. Didn't sound too promising, to be honest. He told me he would contact me in a few days and let me know when could we do it. We ended the call shortly after that and I felt like crap. I was even more anxious than before and there was only one question twirling in my head: what does he want to talk about? It was absolutely unbareable so I decided to call him back and ask if he was going to tell me something negative or positive.
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started.
... to be continued. Family barbeque awaits.
Love,
Passion
As you know, by Friday I knew he was getting better and had received my messages. Him not answering me was rather troubling and made me quite anxious. I tried convincing myself I'm just imagining things but.. Anyway, driven by trepidation I sent him a text telling him to at least let me know if I shouldn't bother him anymore. Sounds childish, I know, but at that point I felt I have to do something and the usual how-are-you-messages didn't give any result.
Saturday night was the first time he contacted me since the short text on Monday. He called me. I could sense that things weren't right, there was this weird hesitation not to say callousness in his voice. He was at his class reunion and mainly talked about that as trying to avoid talking on more important subjects. The tears I had been holding back for the past week came pouring like rain. I hate the way men can be - he asked me if I was crying and I told him it was just cold; he believed me. Actually, I'm sure it was just the ever so manly way to use the easy way out since which man wants to deal with a weeping damsel.
Finally he got it out: we need to meet and talk at some time. Didn't sound too promising, to be honest. He told me he would contact me in a few days and let me know when could we do it. We ended the call shortly after that and I felt like crap. I was even more anxious than before and there was only one question twirling in my head: what does he want to talk about? It was absolutely unbareable so I decided to call him back and ask if he was going to tell me something negative or positive.
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started.
... to be continued. Family barbeque awaits.
Love,
Passion
Friday, July 24, 2009
Relieved/Worried
Peter laughed to himself quietly as he so often does. 'What is it now?' I asked, not taking my eyes off the horizon that had just swallowed the burning sun of July. 'Nothing..' he said, kissing my neck from behind me. 'It's just you are one of those rare women who, no matter how much one fondles or kisses them, won't have a slightest difference of facial expression. You just keep looking to nowhere with that serious yet dreamy gaze, but by not being stopped I can tell it's the lady's way of saying 'carry on'. Am I right?'. I smirked to myself. What a naive man! He thinks he still has the same power over me as before.
I was astounded by his openness when we first met. He always speaks his mind and well, we all know that women love with their ears. Woman, he called me. Beauty. Princess. Lady. Tigress. What ever excited him, he never held it to himself. If my outfit was a turn-on, he told me. If he liked my touch, he told me. If he wanted to touch me, he told me. And boy, was that intoxicating. The sex we had, was so passionate, so versatile, so.. good. I have no regrets what so ever. Atleast not on my behalf - I do wish he had wanted me for real, for himself. It's really a shame to give up the great sex. 'Tho I do have the feeling it wouldn't be so good now anyway, since I'm not attracted to him anymore. And my experience says that sex can never be good unless there is at least some chemistry between people - I've tried multiple times and it has always been boring. Maybe I'm just too much of a woman and emotions do play a big role in every aspect of my life.
Anyway, I was eager to see Peter, yet a little intimidated. I wasn't sure how I was to react since I hadn't seen him for more than a month. I had already got used to not being around him and didn't long for him at all. But my fear was that maybe that was only due to being with John, that maybe I was just distracted from thinking of Peter, and maybe when I saw him, everything was going to be as before. NOT. It was like going out with any other friend. I could've watched the sunset as well on my own, him holding me and kissing my neck and ears didn't make any difference. And the times he pulled me into the kiss, well, it used to blow me away. This time, it had no effect. None. It was so funny, and yet such a relief! .. Still I didn't cut him off just yet. We'll see how it goes with John, first.
Ah, John, my love. He has been sick for a week now.. A week ago was the last time I saw him. He has a bad case of angina. Very high fever and a sore throat. He has had his cell-phone turned off for the whole week since
a) people keep disturbing him with work-related matters
b) he sleeps most of the time which gives his wife an easy access (that can not happen).
I'm actually really worried. First of all, about his health. Angina can easily go from the throat to the heart and that can end really bad. He is old enough to be acceptive to that kind of problems. Secondly, I'm worried if he still cares for me. He probably does and I'm just being silly, but I haven't heard from him since Monday.. That was when he turned on his phone for a moment and sent me a text about being sorry for not answering and how sick he felt and that he was hopefully getting some meds soon. During this week I sent him maybe 2-3 short texts about being worried and hoping for his quick recovery. In the last one I asked him to call me when he turns on his phone again. Yesterday I got delivery messages for those texts of mine. No answer, not to mention a call. AND I got to talk to his daughter (who I've managed to bond with.. she, ofcourse, doesn't know anything of us) who said that the fever had gone down.. I don't know what to think but his phone is still off and I guess I just got to wait until he contacts me himself.
Until that I just need to keep myself busy.
Love,
Passion
I was astounded by his openness when we first met. He always speaks his mind and well, we all know that women love with their ears. Woman, he called me. Beauty. Princess. Lady. Tigress. What ever excited him, he never held it to himself. If my outfit was a turn-on, he told me. If he liked my touch, he told me. If he wanted to touch me, he told me. And boy, was that intoxicating. The sex we had, was so passionate, so versatile, so.. good. I have no regrets what so ever. Atleast not on my behalf - I do wish he had wanted me for real, for himself. It's really a shame to give up the great sex. 'Tho I do have the feeling it wouldn't be so good now anyway, since I'm not attracted to him anymore. And my experience says that sex can never be good unless there is at least some chemistry between people - I've tried multiple times and it has always been boring. Maybe I'm just too much of a woman and emotions do play a big role in every aspect of my life.
Anyway, I was eager to see Peter, yet a little intimidated. I wasn't sure how I was to react since I hadn't seen him for more than a month. I had already got used to not being around him and didn't long for him at all. But my fear was that maybe that was only due to being with John, that maybe I was just distracted from thinking of Peter, and maybe when I saw him, everything was going to be as before. NOT. It was like going out with any other friend. I could've watched the sunset as well on my own, him holding me and kissing my neck and ears didn't make any difference. And the times he pulled me into the kiss, well, it used to blow me away. This time, it had no effect. None. It was so funny, and yet such a relief! .. Still I didn't cut him off just yet. We'll see how it goes with John, first.
Ah, John, my love. He has been sick for a week now.. A week ago was the last time I saw him. He has a bad case of angina. Very high fever and a sore throat. He has had his cell-phone turned off for the whole week since
a) people keep disturbing him with work-related matters
b) he sleeps most of the time which gives his wife an easy access (that can not happen).
I'm actually really worried. First of all, about his health. Angina can easily go from the throat to the heart and that can end really bad. He is old enough to be acceptive to that kind of problems. Secondly, I'm worried if he still cares for me. He probably does and I'm just being silly, but I haven't heard from him since Monday.. That was when he turned on his phone for a moment and sent me a text about being sorry for not answering and how sick he felt and that he was hopefully getting some meds soon. During this week I sent him maybe 2-3 short texts about being worried and hoping for his quick recovery. In the last one I asked him to call me when he turns on his phone again. Yesterday I got delivery messages for those texts of mine. No answer, not to mention a call. AND I got to talk to his daughter (who I've managed to bond with.. she, ofcourse, doesn't know anything of us) who said that the fever had gone down.. I don't know what to think but his phone is still off and I guess I just got to wait until he contacts me himself.
Until that I just need to keep myself busy.
Love,
Passion
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Nettled
Hi. It was uncomfortable to send a text last night was the message I received this morning. I didn't answer. He probably expected me to ask why was it uncomfortable. I won't. There are only two options anyway and I don't care for either.
a) He was with his wife
b) He was with our mutual friends
Both excuses are meaningless since you don't have to text infront of the others - how about spending an extra half a minute in the toilet or while out for cigaret.
I do think he might have had sex with his wife but hey, he's got the right. I haven't told him to not to have sex with anyone but me, I'm just pissed I wasted many good sleeping hours on waiting up for him.
He did call though. A bit past noon. Neither of us said anything of importance but I could sense he was on his tiptoes. He wanted to know why I hadn't texted him back (as I said, I had no plan of asking why he didn't text). I answered with a question: what was I supposed to respond?
He mumbled something of at least letting him know I had received the message so I introduced him to the delivery status of text messages. OMG. I just checked my phone to see how was it named and what did I see.. All the messages I sent him last night are NOT YET DELIVERED. This means I was pissed without a reason. He didn't leave me unanswered, he even hasn't got my texts yet. And the text from him in the morning was not about not answering but about not texting on his own iniative. Haha. So if he gets the message I sent him about an hour ago (it read Oh, I really can't be in a bad mood, if I miss you more) he probably is going to be quite confused. Ah well. At least the weight from my shoulders is gone.
Hopefully he calls me later.
Love,
Passion
a) He was with his wife
b) He was with our mutual friends
Both excuses are meaningless since you don't have to text infront of the others - how about spending an extra half a minute in the toilet or while out for cigaret.
I do think he might have had sex with his wife but hey, he's got the right. I haven't told him to not to have sex with anyone but me, I'm just pissed I wasted many good sleeping hours on waiting up for him.
He did call though. A bit past noon. Neither of us said anything of importance but I could sense he was on his tiptoes. He wanted to know why I hadn't texted him back (as I said, I had no plan of asking why he didn't text). I answered with a question: what was I supposed to respond?
He mumbled something of at least letting him know I had received the message so I introduced him to the delivery status of text messages. OMG. I just checked my phone to see how was it named and what did I see.. All the messages I sent him last night are NOT YET DELIVERED. This means I was pissed without a reason. He didn't leave me unanswered, he even hasn't got my texts yet. And the text from him in the morning was not about not answering but about not texting on his own iniative. Haha. So if he gets the message I sent him about an hour ago (it read Oh, I really can't be in a bad mood, if I miss you more) he probably is going to be quite confused. Ah well. At least the weight from my shoulders is gone.
Hopefully he calls me later.
Love,
Passion
Friday, July 10, 2009
On hold
It's around 3AM and I'm still awake. Caressing my sweet little laptop, obviously. Actually I'm expecting a certain someone to come online. Or at least to send me a text about not making it. He didn't come a couple of nights ago, texting me around 3AM to go to sleep since his wife was lurking around the house making it impossible for him to come online. Last night he told me on the phone that she wasn't just wandering around but also had crawled into his bed - they sleep in separate rooms - but he sent her away saying he didn't have enough space. He didn't say 'nothing happened' but even if something DID happen, it's none of my business. He's a grown man and since i'm the so-called other woman, I don't need a word in this.
On the other hand, I do think he expects me to be true to him. We haven't spoken of the matter although I have intended to. Until I am not the no 1 woman in his life, there is no way he can hope to be the only man in mine. I do know, undoubtedly, that I am the no 1 woman in his HEART and maybe I even don't want to go out with others but he doesn't have to know that. It should speed the things up a bit, shouldn't it? Last night he sent me a ton of texts (well, actually just four but I didn't respond to any since it was around 2AM) and one of them read You are only my babe. Noone else's. English isn't my native language so actually it sounded a little more adorable but definitely as resolute.
I'm very much in love with him (why don't we call him John so all the different him's wouldn't tangle up) and probably wouldn't have a problem with the one-and-only thing ('tho it is just 'only' on his side for now) unless.. Unless there wasn't the guy I had a thing with before him. Even though I don't want the thing with the first guy (why not say Peter) anymore, I really don't want to give it all up. I don't feel like burning the bridges by telling Peter (we agreed not to pursue a serious relationship.. was more like his will than mine) about John (was in love with me first and to my surprise I suddenly found myself in love with him, too) because Peter is the best sex I've ever had. I must admit he was the first man with who I really enjoyd it with. But that is another story.
It's 3:37AM by now and I'm tired of waiting. Which doesn't mean I won't do it for a little while longer. John hasn't responded either of my texts from half past midnight and half past two which means he is probably still out with his friends. And with them he can't contact me since his friends are also his wife's and my friends.
I miss him and he misses me, too. We are going to see each other on Sunday and one can only hope we manage to sneak a moment for just the two of us. Even a quick kiss and hug full of love will do.
Love,
Passion
On the other hand, I do think he expects me to be true to him. We haven't spoken of the matter although I have intended to. Until I am not the no 1 woman in his life, there is no way he can hope to be the only man in mine. I do know, undoubtedly, that I am the no 1 woman in his HEART and maybe I even don't want to go out with others but he doesn't have to know that. It should speed the things up a bit, shouldn't it? Last night he sent me a ton of texts (well, actually just four but I didn't respond to any since it was around 2AM) and one of them read You are only my babe. Noone else's. English isn't my native language so actually it sounded a little more adorable but definitely as resolute.
I'm very much in love with him (why don't we call him John so all the different him's wouldn't tangle up) and probably wouldn't have a problem with the one-and-only thing ('tho it is just 'only' on his side for now) unless.. Unless there wasn't the guy I had a thing with before him. Even though I don't want the thing with the first guy (why not say Peter) anymore, I really don't want to give it all up. I don't feel like burning the bridges by telling Peter (we agreed not to pursue a serious relationship.. was more like his will than mine) about John (was in love with me first and to my surprise I suddenly found myself in love with him, too) because Peter is the best sex I've ever had. I must admit he was the first man with who I really enjoyd it with. But that is another story.
It's 3:37AM by now and I'm tired of waiting. Which doesn't mean I won't do it for a little while longer. John hasn't responded either of my texts from half past midnight and half past two which means he is probably still out with his friends. And with them he can't contact me since his friends are also his wife's and my friends.
I miss him and he misses me, too. We are going to see each other on Sunday and one can only hope we manage to sneak a moment for just the two of us. Even a quick kiss and hug full of love will do.
Love,
Passion
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