Friday, July 24, 2009


Peter laughed to himself quietly as he so often does. 'What is it now?' I asked, not taking my eyes off the horizon that had just swallowed the burning sun of July. 'Nothing..' he said, kissing my neck from behind me. 'It's just you are one of those rare women who, no matter how much one fondles or kisses them, won't have a slightest difference of facial expression. You just keep looking to nowhere with that serious yet dreamy gaze, but by not being stopped I can tell it's the lady's way of saying 'carry on'. Am I right?'. I smirked to myself. What a naive man! He thinks he still has the same power over me as before.

I was astounded by his openness when we first met. He always speaks his mind and well, we all know that women love with their ears. Woman, he called me. Beauty. Princess. Lady. Tigress. What ever excited him, he never held it to himself. If my outfit was a turn-on, he told me. If he liked my touch, he told me. If he wanted to touch me, he told me. And boy, was that intoxicating. The sex we had, was so passionate, so versatile, so.. good. I have no regrets what so ever. Atleast not on my behalf - I do wish he had wanted me for real, for himself. It's really a shame to give up the great sex. 'Tho I do have the feeling it wouldn't be so good now anyway, since I'm not attracted to him anymore. And my experience says that sex can never be good unless there is at least some chemistry between people - I've tried multiple times and it has always been boring. Maybe I'm just too much of a woman and emotions do play a big role in every aspect of my life.

Anyway, I was eager to see Peter, yet a little intimidated. I wasn't sure how I was to react since I hadn't seen him for more than a month. I had already got used to not being around him and didn't long for him at all. But my fear was that maybe that was only due to being with John, that maybe I was just distracted from thinking of Peter, and maybe when I saw him, everything was going to be as before. NOT. It was like going out with any other friend. I could've watched the sunset as well on my own, him holding me and kissing my neck and ears didn't make any difference. And the times he pulled me into the kiss, well, it used to blow me away. This time, it had no effect. None. It was so funny, and yet such a relief! .. Still I didn't cut him off just yet. We'll see how it goes with John, first.

Ah, John, my love. He has been sick for a week now.. A week ago was the last time I saw him. He has a bad case of angina. Very high fever and a sore throat. He has had his cell-phone turned off for the whole week since

a) people keep disturbing him with work-related matters
b) he sleeps most of the time which gives his wife an easy access (that can not happen).

I'm actually really worried. First of all, about his health. Angina can easily go from the throat to the heart and that can end really bad. He is old enough to be acceptive to that kind of problems. Secondly, I'm worried if he still cares for me. He probably does and I'm just being silly, but I haven't heard from him since Monday.. That was when he turned on his phone for a moment and sent me a text about being sorry for not answering and how sick he felt and that he was hopefully getting some meds soon. During this week I sent him maybe 2-3 short texts about being worried and hoping for his quick recovery. In the last one I asked him to call me when he turns on his phone again. Yesterday I got delivery messages for those texts of mine. No answer, not to mention a call. AND I got to talk to his daughter (who I've managed to bond with.. she, ofcourse, doesn't know anything of us) who said that the fever had gone down.. I don't know what to think but his phone is still off and I guess I just got to wait until he contacts me himself.

Until that I just need to keep myself busy.



Saturday, July 11, 2009


Hi. It was uncomfortable to send a text last night was the message I received this morning. I didn't answer. He probably expected me to ask why was it uncomfortable. I won't. There are only two options anyway and I don't care for either.

a) He was with his wife
b) He was with our mutual friends

Both excuses are meaningless since you don't have to text infront of the others - how about spending an extra half a minute in the toilet or while out for cigaret.

I do think he might have had sex with his wife but hey, he's got the right. I haven't told him to not to have sex with anyone but me, I'm just pissed I wasted many good sleeping hours on waiting up for him.

He did call though. A bit past noon. Neither of us said anything of importance but I could sense he was on his tiptoes. He wanted to know why I hadn't texted him back (as I said, I had no plan of asking why he didn't text). I answered with a question: what was I supposed to respond?
He mumbled something of at least letting him know I had received the message so I introduced him to the delivery status of text messages. OMG. I just checked my phone to see how was it named and what did I see.. All the messages I sent him last night are NOT YET DELIVERED. This means I was pissed without a reason. He didn't leave me unanswered, he even hasn't got my texts yet. And the text from him in the morning was not about not answering but about not texting on his own iniative. Haha. So if he gets the message I sent him about an hour ago (it read Oh, I really can't be in a bad mood, if I miss you more) he probably is going to be quite confused. Ah well. At least the weight from my shoulders is gone.

Hopefully he calls me later.



Friday, July 10, 2009

On hold

It's around 3AM and I'm still awake. Caressing my sweet little laptop, obviously. Actually I'm expecting a certain someone to come online. Or at least to send me a text about not making it. He didn't come a couple of nights ago, texting me around 3AM to go to sleep since his wife was lurking around the house making it impossible for him to come online. Last night he told me on the phone that she wasn't just wandering around but also had crawled into his bed - they sleep in separate rooms - but he sent her away saying he didn't have enough space. He didn't say 'nothing happened' but even if something DID happen, it's none of my business. He's a grown man and since i'm the so-called other woman, I don't need a word in this.

On the other hand, I do think he expects me to be true to him. We haven't spoken of the matter although I have intended to. Until I am not the no 1 woman in his life, there is no way he can hope to be the only man in mine. I do know, undoubtedly, that I am the no 1 woman in his HEART and maybe I even don't want to go out with others but he doesn't have to know that. It should speed the things up a bit, shouldn't it? Last night he sent me a ton of texts (well, actually just four but I didn't respond to any since it was around 2AM) and one of them read You are only my babe. Noone else's. English isn't my native language so actually it sounded a little more adorable but definitely as resolute.

I'm very much in love with him (why don't we call him John so all the different him's wouldn't tangle up) and probably wouldn't have a problem with the one-and-only thing ('tho it is just 'only' on his side for now) unless.. Unless there wasn't the guy I had a thing with before him. Even though I don't want the thing with the first guy (why not say Peter) anymore, I really don't want to give it all up. I don't feel like burning the bridges by telling Peter (we agreed not to pursue a serious relationship.. was more like his will than mine) about John (was in love with me first and to my surprise I suddenly found myself in love with him, too) because Peter is the best sex I've ever had. I must admit he was the first man with who I really enjoyd it with. But that is another story.

It's 3:37AM by now and I'm tired of waiting. Which doesn't mean I won't do it for a little while longer. John hasn't responded either of my texts from half past midnight and half past two which means he is probably still out with his friends. And with them he can't contact me since his friends are also his wife's and my friends.

I miss him and he misses me, too. We are going to see each other on Sunday and one can only hope we manage to sneak a moment for just the two of us. Even a quick kiss and hug full of love will do.