Before I start the Wedding Weekend story (which I shall try my best to make short), I just have to mention something. By the four-days-theory, Peter was supposed to contact me today (Saturday). He already broke the new rule. He contacted me yesterday which was a day early. AND today, too.
Instead of telling you about the whole wedding (which was so very beautiful) I'll just go straight to the subject of men. I have already told you about my way to pick some guy out at any event and then start the hunt. I knew the wedding is not going to be a very big one so I assumed there will be two kind of men - half will be my relatives and the other half taken. And all the rest are just ugly. I was right.
I thought it would be a good idea to find some single eyecandy since the opposite would have been too much of a risk. I found one very cute guy who looked rather young but the wavy surfer hair and bright blue eyes assured me that wouldn't matter since hey, it's not like I wanted to marry him. He had noticed me, too, and we had a nice little eye contact thing going on. Aaand then he walked by with his hand around his girlfriend whose date he was at the wedding. That didn't exactly stop him from continuing the eye contact thingie with me. I found it amusing and gave him a shrewd grin whenever he dit it, but crossed him of my list for anything more.
Then there was the photographer. He was cute. He had a cute German accent. The wedding itself was very multicultural, I suppose, since a lot of guests were from different countries like Canada, Germany etc so the two main languages were our native tongue and English. So, back to the photographer. He hadn't noticed me at first but grew to like me after the photoshoot of guests for the wedding album. He, too, tried making eye contact plus he had the advantage of watching people through the camera. As I said, he was rather cute, but I think he maybe had had too much of that famous German lager since he had already developed a beer belly. He was very attentive and sincere but that was exactly why I didn't want to pursue anything romantic with him - I recognized the type to fall easily in him and I guess I agreed with the voice of my conscience that it really would not be a nice thing to hurt him.
And then there was Mark. Oh, I really want to write about him but the thing is, if I want to make it short, I wouldn't get everything said. If I got everything said, it would be too long. So I'll just stop here and start with him in the next post dedicated to him alone. By the way, in the first post after the wedding I promised the wedding weekend story to come soon and was hoping that things have maybe become more interesting by that time. They have, indeed.
To be continued.
Love,
Passion
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Making a note
Unbelievable. The new four-days-theory works. I was just having some spicy chicken&mushroom spring rolls and noodles with spicy garlic sauce watching Enchanted and enjoying myself. Last two hours of Wednesday left and I just got a text from Peter. He's abroad again, on a road trip with some camera crew. I can't make up my mind whether I'm amused or annoyed by the whole Peter situation.
Well, this was just a remark. Back to watching/listening true love and true beauty.
Love,
Passion
Well, this was just a remark. Back to watching/listening true love and true beauty.
Love,
Passion
Monday, August 24, 2009
Still amused
Thursday 13th was a rather busy day. I had a few workshops, some meetings and a birthday to attend. I didn't hear from Peter until around eight or nine in the evening but I had just got home from the last workshop and the birthday was still ahead. That's what I told him, too, and he was actually relieved. A friend of his was celebrating his birthday also so they had made quick plans to go to a concert - a cantata performed by an orchestra, different choirs and ballet dancers. He assumed they would probably chat a bit after the peformance and assured me he would call afterwards.
The birthday was a small gathering with around ten people in the Birthday Girl's apartment. Good pasta, cake, a fireplace, an angry cat and a lot of alcohol and even more humor would be the keywords of the event. As I said, the company wasn't exactly too big to choose from but I always like to seek out the cutest and/or the smartest and/or the funniest and/or the most charming men in the bunch to keep me fom boredom. Even if I don't have any evil plans with them I at least like to have some eyecandy, a bonnie. So, as usually, I picked one out there, too.
At first, I just 'happened' to go to the kitchen for a cigarette at the same time as he. The first few times we smoked in silence but with each round we started talking more and eventually listening to him with a tilted head, know-it-all-smile and anime eyes paid off - he was the one following me for a smoke from there on, and back in the living room I noticed the way he couldn't take his eyes off me. When I caught his eyes he didn't turn away; instead he smiled a friendly smile with a devilish twist to it. Naturally, I returned it.
It was around midnight when Peter called and suggested we'd meet somewhere but I was having fun and had no interest in leaving. It would've been impolite to turn him down, too, so I talked to the B-Day Girl and she gave the green light for Peter to crash the party. He arrived after an hour or so; lucky for me, he didn't make any public displays of affection. 'Tho on the next cigarette round Paul, the cute guy, asked me if Peter was my man-partner. It was so hard not to laugh - who the F says 'man-partner'? No, not my partner, I said. Just a man.
So, even 'tho Peter was sitting next to me, touching my ancles every now and then, giving me sexy compliments in a lowered voice, Paul and I still kept on the game of smiles and cigarettes. No doubt that Peter noticed it since on many occasions he appeared in the kitchen when my smoke was half way down or so. At first, he just came there and started chatting with the people there, but later on he even grabbed a cigarette. He's a non-smoker. But he never found anything compromising since all we did was talk. Among other things Paul regretted that I haven't gone out with their 'gang' before, and later on even asked me to go on a late night walk. I knew that would've been too much since Peter was there and invited by me after all so I made some silly excuse to pass the offer.
Couple of guests left around 4AM and so did me and Peter. We got a ride to Peter's place; I hadn't been there for a couple of months but nothing had changed. That's when small weird things started appearing. Let me hug you properly first, I didn't get to before. I've longed for it ever since we last met. He held me long and tight. Now, there is nothing wrong with hugging. I love hugging. I really am a big hugger. But Peter isn't, or at least hasn't been with me. Putting his arms around me - sure; a quick hug when meeting or the street - usual; holding me like that apart from during intercourse - never.
He then went to the bathroom for a quick shave - his beard grows really fast so what other men call a three-day-beard, he has by night after shaving in the morning. He always shaves before coming to bed with me so he wouldn't scratch me. I once told him it's not necessary but he said that a smooth face will undoubtedly be more pleasurable for me, and what was there to argue. Anyway, it was just as I thought it would be. Good, better than average definitely. But not anything special. No mind blowing orgasm, no shooting stars, no heavens. At least not for me. He, on the other hand, came faster than usual AND was all cuddly afterwards - again, something I used to pursue but he didn't use to come along with.
And a few more notes I made: it is very common for him to ask me if I'm comfortable and to make sure he's not hurting me in any way and such. I've also listed you some of the ways he has called me in an earlier post. That night I heard two for the first time. With the forementioned questions. Darling and Honey. He has always avoided expressions and acts that are common to closer relationships. It was he who said on our second date that he is not looking for anything serious at this time. That the perfect relationship in his eyes is a great friendship with the bonus of great sex. He reminded me that every once in a while.
At first I was sure I can break through but at some point I understood that I won't. Plus things got more and more serious with John so for quite some time now I haven't been attracted to Peter anymore thus I decided to have the same attitude as him. Why wouldn't you have sex with a good friend if both know it won't lead to anything else? It's the same as going to the movies, to the park, eating out, playing games or whatever else with a friend. It can be very fun but definitely not as special as with the person you have feelings for. With the person you're attracted to, you can watch snail race and have a blast.
The next morning he had some work to do so he woke up and went to his laptop. I took mine to his bed. He made some calls and then told me he had to leave for a meeting but I could stay if I wanted to - he would show me how to put on the alarm. Actually, I had been waiting for a chance to leave so I had no intentions of staying. We walked together for some time and when I had to take a turn, he gave me a kiss and said that he has some busy days coming up so he doesn't know when we could meet again. I was going to attend a wedding on the weekend anyway so I told him I was busy, too. I'll call you some time then, OK? he said. Go ahead, and off I was.
As said, that was on Friday. Again, didn't have to wait for two weeks. On Tuesday around ten he sent me a text asking how was the wedding. It was great. His next message was full of offers: would I like a nightly burger or some mineral water (I had a hangover) or a hot bath or to watch a silly comedy. I turned him down, saying I was really tired and that I hadn't planned on meeting anyone anymore so I had just had some fish. He then sent me another text saying that fish is cool and that he is rather tired, too, so it's ok for me to go to sleep. And if I couldn't fall asleep I would let him know so he could nestle with me and snore along. First of all, I don't snore. Second of all, that has not happened before. I remember offering him just sleeping side by side when he was too tired for any kind of action. He never would, he always found some more excuses. I did not answer that one. I did not have a problem falling asleep, either.
It seems to me that the two-week-rule has become the four-days-rule. I got a text from him the past Saturday. I just had a little piece of fish and thought (not the first time today) about You. Are you having a good time? Well, he sent that around 11PM. I read it 6:30AM. And answered him where I was and that I was having a blast. Haven't heard from him ever since but if the new rule is true, he should be contacting me on Wednesday.
Oh, and about Paul. We didn't exchange numbers or anything but I heard from the B-Day Girl that most of her friends are asking almost daily when will I be going out with their 'gang'. I have already been invited to a few of their parties but I was out of town each time. Anyway, this turned out another marathon post but I really wanted to get that Peter story down. The next is the wedding weekend story, or as much I can remember about it.
Love,
Passion
The birthday was a small gathering with around ten people in the Birthday Girl's apartment. Good pasta, cake, a fireplace, an angry cat and a lot of alcohol and even more humor would be the keywords of the event. As I said, the company wasn't exactly too big to choose from but I always like to seek out the cutest and/or the smartest and/or the funniest and/or the most charming men in the bunch to keep me fom boredom. Even if I don't have any evil plans with them I at least like to have some eyecandy, a bonnie. So, as usually, I picked one out there, too.
At first, I just 'happened' to go to the kitchen for a cigarette at the same time as he. The first few times we smoked in silence but with each round we started talking more and eventually listening to him with a tilted head, know-it-all-smile and anime eyes paid off - he was the one following me for a smoke from there on, and back in the living room I noticed the way he couldn't take his eyes off me. When I caught his eyes he didn't turn away; instead he smiled a friendly smile with a devilish twist to it. Naturally, I returned it.
It was around midnight when Peter called and suggested we'd meet somewhere but I was having fun and had no interest in leaving. It would've been impolite to turn him down, too, so I talked to the B-Day Girl and she gave the green light for Peter to crash the party. He arrived after an hour or so; lucky for me, he didn't make any public displays of affection. 'Tho on the next cigarette round Paul, the cute guy, asked me if Peter was my man-partner. It was so hard not to laugh - who the F says 'man-partner'? No, not my partner, I said. Just a man.
So, even 'tho Peter was sitting next to me, touching my ancles every now and then, giving me sexy compliments in a lowered voice, Paul and I still kept on the game of smiles and cigarettes. No doubt that Peter noticed it since on many occasions he appeared in the kitchen when my smoke was half way down or so. At first, he just came there and started chatting with the people there, but later on he even grabbed a cigarette. He's a non-smoker. But he never found anything compromising since all we did was talk. Among other things Paul regretted that I haven't gone out with their 'gang' before, and later on even asked me to go on a late night walk. I knew that would've been too much since Peter was there and invited by me after all so I made some silly excuse to pass the offer.
Couple of guests left around 4AM and so did me and Peter. We got a ride to Peter's place; I hadn't been there for a couple of months but nothing had changed. That's when small weird things started appearing. Let me hug you properly first, I didn't get to before. I've longed for it ever since we last met. He held me long and tight. Now, there is nothing wrong with hugging. I love hugging. I really am a big hugger. But Peter isn't, or at least hasn't been with me. Putting his arms around me - sure; a quick hug when meeting or the street - usual; holding me like that apart from during intercourse - never.
He then went to the bathroom for a quick shave - his beard grows really fast so what other men call a three-day-beard, he has by night after shaving in the morning. He always shaves before coming to bed with me so he wouldn't scratch me. I once told him it's not necessary but he said that a smooth face will undoubtedly be more pleasurable for me, and what was there to argue. Anyway, it was just as I thought it would be. Good, better than average definitely. But not anything special. No mind blowing orgasm, no shooting stars, no heavens. At least not for me. He, on the other hand, came faster than usual AND was all cuddly afterwards - again, something I used to pursue but he didn't use to come along with.
And a few more notes I made: it is very common for him to ask me if I'm comfortable and to make sure he's not hurting me in any way and such. I've also listed you some of the ways he has called me in an earlier post. That night I heard two for the first time. With the forementioned questions. Darling and Honey. He has always avoided expressions and acts that are common to closer relationships. It was he who said on our second date that he is not looking for anything serious at this time. That the perfect relationship in his eyes is a great friendship with the bonus of great sex. He reminded me that every once in a while.
At first I was sure I can break through but at some point I understood that I won't. Plus things got more and more serious with John so for quite some time now I haven't been attracted to Peter anymore thus I decided to have the same attitude as him. Why wouldn't you have sex with a good friend if both know it won't lead to anything else? It's the same as going to the movies, to the park, eating out, playing games or whatever else with a friend. It can be very fun but definitely not as special as with the person you have feelings for. With the person you're attracted to, you can watch snail race and have a blast.
The next morning he had some work to do so he woke up and went to his laptop. I took mine to his bed. He made some calls and then told me he had to leave for a meeting but I could stay if I wanted to - he would show me how to put on the alarm. Actually, I had been waiting for a chance to leave so I had no intentions of staying. We walked together for some time and when I had to take a turn, he gave me a kiss and said that he has some busy days coming up so he doesn't know when we could meet again. I was going to attend a wedding on the weekend anyway so I told him I was busy, too. I'll call you some time then, OK? he said. Go ahead, and off I was.
As said, that was on Friday. Again, didn't have to wait for two weeks. On Tuesday around ten he sent me a text asking how was the wedding. It was great. His next message was full of offers: would I like a nightly burger or some mineral water (I had a hangover) or a hot bath or to watch a silly comedy. I turned him down, saying I was really tired and that I hadn't planned on meeting anyone anymore so I had just had some fish. He then sent me another text saying that fish is cool and that he is rather tired, too, so it's ok for me to go to sleep. And if I couldn't fall asleep I would let him know so he could nestle with me and snore along. First of all, I don't snore. Second of all, that has not happened before. I remember offering him just sleeping side by side when he was too tired for any kind of action. He never would, he always found some more excuses. I did not answer that one. I did not have a problem falling asleep, either.
It seems to me that the two-week-rule has become the four-days-rule. I got a text from him the past Saturday. I just had a little piece of fish and thought (not the first time today) about You. Are you having a good time? Well, he sent that around 11PM. I read it 6:30AM. And answered him where I was and that I was having a blast. Haven't heard from him ever since but if the new rule is true, he should be contacting me on Wednesday.
Oh, and about Paul. We didn't exchange numbers or anything but I heard from the B-Day Girl that most of her friends are asking almost daily when will I be going out with their 'gang'. I have already been invited to a few of their parties but I was out of town each time. Anyway, this turned out another marathon post but I really wanted to get that Peter story down. The next is the wedding weekend story, or as much I can remember about it.
Love,
Passion
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Amused
A couple of posts ago I told you about Peter's habit never to contact me before two weeks after each few days we have been in contact. Well, he has been breaking that rule of his a lot lately. Since the forementioned post, to be exact. Not obsessively a lot but definitely more than before.
So it started on the Third of August. As you know, that was supposed to start a new two week cycle and I didn't expect to hear from him for quite some time but to my surprise just a few days later he texted me again, and STILL from abroad. It is very common for me to not be able to not answer other people's messages. Even if the last one addressed to me was already a rather vacuous one I would usually answer with an even more vacuous one. It's just too tempting - I guess I always hope to find out or hear something more, maybe something interesting. Naturally, that rarely happens.
Anyway, with Peter I have always been the one to send the last message, and not always the kind which would be pointless to answer. Each time it happened I decided the next time I will be the one to not respond anymore but it was as he had read my mind since he always stopped just as I thought the next one I won't answer. The reason I'm telling you about this is because I made progress! After a few messages I stopped responding and boy, was I proud of myself. I still am but by now I've managed to do it again so the first time was the special one. :D
So he had made contact with me on Monday, then on Thursday and the next time was on Tuesday when he sent me a few IMs via Skype (which he hardly ever does even 'tho we are both online quite often). He asked what I was doing the next day and that if I had time and the weather was OK we could take a drive to the countryside to see the shooting stars (there were supposed to be around thirteen per hour or so on that day). I thought about it and wasn't really in the mood but then again I didn't have anything better to do either so I agreed. He promised to call as soon as the plane landed and I told him to not let me down (he has on many occasions).
Wednesday was really cloudy so I was rather convinced he won't even call. Actually, I didn't really care, either. He did call, 'tho. He mentioned the clouds and said his car was getting some work done so we couldn't have gone on a drive anyway. Ah well, I thought to myself, I couldn't be bothered to see him anyway. But then he proposed getting together later in the evening just for the sake of it. I knew I wouldn't go but told him to call me later when he got his business taken care of.
Around nine I went out for a cigarette with an old friend who lives in the neighborhood. To my surprised another of our old friends was with him and they were on their way to that other guy's place to watch some soccer. Again, I had nothing better to do so I tagged along 'tho I'm not much of sports fan especially when it comes to watching it on TV. I grabbed a watermelon gin long drink and a pomegranate beer from a convenience store on the way and tried to get myself in 'the mood'. Well, I was laughing most of the time and mainly on my own jokes since it was awfully boring. Fortunately, the guys weren't such big fans, either, so they were more amused than annoyed.
After the game around ten o'clock I got a call from Peter who said he was going to be available soon. I laughed. The game is over, huh, I asked. He was so busted. Apparently he too had been watching the game with his buddies so he asked me if it was OK to call me again in an hour or so since he thought I might not like the dark lager smell on him. Sure, I said, take your time. The amout of alcohol I had was rather small and would usually get me maybe a little tipsy but definitely not drunk. Unfortunately I thought it might be good idea to take a few puffs from the joint one of my friends offered. I do it rarely and usually not with alcohol and I've been good 'till then. Well, this time it was not a good idea. As soon as I got home around half past midnight I almost crawled into bed and begged for sleep to come so I wouldn't have to feel so sick anymore.
Just the moment as I was finally falling asleep, Peter called again. I said I was already in bed and too tired to go anywhere, and that I wouldn't want him over for the same reason. I could hear the disappointment in his voice but hell, I was not going to let him see me like that. Besides, I didn't plan on seeing him while sober, either. When he offered to postpone our little get-together on the next day, I just said yes. First of all, I really wanted to sleep. Second, I had been making excuses for too long and probably had made him a little suspicious already. And for third, I thought why not for a change.
***
Oh my, I think I might have already crossed the line of readable length, and that even before the story got interesting. The main part is the Thursday night so I guess I'll leave it to the next post.
***
To be continued..
Love
Passion
So it started on the Third of August. As you know, that was supposed to start a new two week cycle and I didn't expect to hear from him for quite some time but to my surprise just a few days later he texted me again, and STILL from abroad. It is very common for me to not be able to not answer other people's messages. Even if the last one addressed to me was already a rather vacuous one I would usually answer with an even more vacuous one. It's just too tempting - I guess I always hope to find out or hear something more, maybe something interesting. Naturally, that rarely happens.
Anyway, with Peter I have always been the one to send the last message, and not always the kind which would be pointless to answer. Each time it happened I decided the next time I will be the one to not respond anymore but it was as he had read my mind since he always stopped just as I thought the next one I won't answer. The reason I'm telling you about this is because I made progress! After a few messages I stopped responding and boy, was I proud of myself. I still am but by now I've managed to do it again so the first time was the special one. :D
So he had made contact with me on Monday, then on Thursday and the next time was on Tuesday when he sent me a few IMs via Skype (which he hardly ever does even 'tho we are both online quite often). He asked what I was doing the next day and that if I had time and the weather was OK we could take a drive to the countryside to see the shooting stars (there were supposed to be around thirteen per hour or so on that day). I thought about it and wasn't really in the mood but then again I didn't have anything better to do either so I agreed. He promised to call as soon as the plane landed and I told him to not let me down (he has on many occasions).
Wednesday was really cloudy so I was rather convinced he won't even call. Actually, I didn't really care, either. He did call, 'tho. He mentioned the clouds and said his car was getting some work done so we couldn't have gone on a drive anyway. Ah well, I thought to myself, I couldn't be bothered to see him anyway. But then he proposed getting together later in the evening just for the sake of it. I knew I wouldn't go but told him to call me later when he got his business taken care of.
Around nine I went out for a cigarette with an old friend who lives in the neighborhood. To my surprised another of our old friends was with him and they were on their way to that other guy's place to watch some soccer. Again, I had nothing better to do so I tagged along 'tho I'm not much of sports fan especially when it comes to watching it on TV. I grabbed a watermelon gin long drink and a pomegranate beer from a convenience store on the way and tried to get myself in 'the mood'. Well, I was laughing most of the time and mainly on my own jokes since it was awfully boring. Fortunately, the guys weren't such big fans, either, so they were more amused than annoyed.
After the game around ten o'clock I got a call from Peter who said he was going to be available soon. I laughed. The game is over, huh, I asked. He was so busted. Apparently he too had been watching the game with his buddies so he asked me if it was OK to call me again in an hour or so since he thought I might not like the dark lager smell on him. Sure, I said, take your time. The amout of alcohol I had was rather small and would usually get me maybe a little tipsy but definitely not drunk. Unfortunately I thought it might be good idea to take a few puffs from the joint one of my friends offered. I do it rarely and usually not with alcohol and I've been good 'till then. Well, this time it was not a good idea. As soon as I got home around half past midnight I almost crawled into bed and begged for sleep to come so I wouldn't have to feel so sick anymore.
Just the moment as I was finally falling asleep, Peter called again. I said I was already in bed and too tired to go anywhere, and that I wouldn't want him over for the same reason. I could hear the disappointment in his voice but hell, I was not going to let him see me like that. Besides, I didn't plan on seeing him while sober, either. When he offered to postpone our little get-together on the next day, I just said yes. First of all, I really wanted to sleep. Second, I had been making excuses for too long and probably had made him a little suspicious already. And for third, I thought why not for a change.
***
Oh my, I think I might have already crossed the line of readable length, and that even before the story got interesting. The main part is the Thursday night so I guess I'll leave it to the next post.
***
To be continued..
Love
Passion
Monday, August 17, 2009
Troubled -> Disturbed -> Confident
He had put his response into three rather short paragraphs. I suppose he managed to deliver his every message with just a few sentences but I was hoping for something in the capacity of a novel, I guess. Hell, the three paragraphs could've been a best-selling trilogy! Anyway, let me do some imparting towards you and make his short messages even shorter.
§1. My letter has saddened him. He didn't want to hurt me but knows he has and that saddens him even more.
§2. He agrees that avoiding, dissembling and such is very careless and not fair. Right now, he can't evolve our relationsip anymore. He didn't want to say that by e-mail but he also didn't want to keep me uninformed.
§3. He feels really lousy but he doesn't see another way in the situation and thus has made his decision. He is sorry that he will probably lose my affection and respect by acting the way he is.
You can only imagine how I felt reading it. I was prepared for something unpleasant reason-wise but it's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason so .. in a matter of seconds my heart had dropped to my stomach, racing like crazy. I felt an imaginary string around my neck and the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I couldn't focus my sight on anything nor could I understand what other people around me were saying. Fortunately they weren't talking to me - it would've gained too much energy and willpower to get a grip of myself for communicating normally, and not burst in tears in public. *I'm experiencing the same physical symptoms again just by writing about it.*
Anyway, I did get a grip of myself. I am too inquisitive (Reading Between The Lines would be my Indian name) to just leave such a thing to that - I immediately had a handful of questions so I sent him a few of them. What did the not right now considering evolving our relationship mean? Was it just to soften the blow or does it mean after some time he could?? What is the situation that made him make the decision he made? Is it conditioned by some kind of external factors or have his feelings for me simply faded away? And a few more of the same tone. I also let him know he could never lose my affection - even if I tried thinking badly of him I wouldn't be able to.
I got a short reply already the next day. This time it really was short:
Haven't faded away. You're dear. You're good at reading between lines :) Really can't say more right now.
Some twenty minutes after that he had sent another one saying he really doesn't want to discuss these matters via e-mail but in person. He stated he wants to meet and talk (hmm, where have I heard that before?).
Anyway, that was the last time I heard of him and that was on the first of August. About a week ago I sent him another e-mail describing what I miss about him. I do miss him. But after reading that last but one e-mail all (or most) of my despair vanished. I know now that what ever it is, he hasn't stopped loving me and I am willing to wait. After reading that message for maybe tenth time or so, a song came to my mind and it hasn't left since. "I Have Confidence In Me" from The Sound of Music performed by Julie Andrews. I do have confidence in me and that's what'll keep me going.
So I thought to myself.. if this is the way it's gonna be - me willing to wait without being able to be with him at all - I am not going to just sit around and let life pass me by. My heart is reserved for him but I'm young and self-confident and won't deny myself anything I happen to want. Lovelife-wise, that is.
That said, be prepared for my past weekend lechery. (k, it's not THAT bad but bad enough.) And I'm not talking about Peter. Oh, but I can write about him when I go back to Thursday night/Friday morning.. So the weekend story will come a bit later.. hopefully it has gone more interesting by that time, too.
Love,
Passion
§1. My letter has saddened him. He didn't want to hurt me but knows he has and that saddens him even more.
§2. He agrees that avoiding, dissembling and such is very careless and not fair. Right now, he can't evolve our relationsip anymore. He didn't want to say that by e-mail but he also didn't want to keep me uninformed.
§3. He feels really lousy but he doesn't see another way in the situation and thus has made his decision. He is sorry that he will probably lose my affection and respect by acting the way he is.
You can only imagine how I felt reading it. I was prepared for something unpleasant reason-wise but it's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason so .. in a matter of seconds my heart had dropped to my stomach, racing like crazy. I felt an imaginary string around my neck and the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I couldn't focus my sight on anything nor could I understand what other people around me were saying. Fortunately they weren't talking to me - it would've gained too much energy and willpower to get a grip of myself for communicating normally, and not burst in tears in public. *I'm experiencing the same physical symptoms again just by writing about it.*
Anyway, I did get a grip of myself. I am too inquisitive (Reading Between The Lines would be my Indian name) to just leave such a thing to that - I immediately had a handful of questions so I sent him a few of them. What did the not right now considering evolving our relationship mean? Was it just to soften the blow or does it mean after some time he could?? What is the situation that made him make the decision he made? Is it conditioned by some kind of external factors or have his feelings for me simply faded away? And a few more of the same tone. I also let him know he could never lose my affection - even if I tried thinking badly of him I wouldn't be able to.
I got a short reply already the next day. This time it really was short:
Haven't faded away. You're dear. You're good at reading between lines :) Really can't say more right now.
Some twenty minutes after that he had sent another one saying he really doesn't want to discuss these matters via e-mail but in person. He stated he wants to meet and talk (hmm, where have I heard that before?).
Anyway, that was the last time I heard of him and that was on the first of August. About a week ago I sent him another e-mail describing what I miss about him. I do miss him. But after reading that last but one e-mail all (or most) of my despair vanished. I know now that what ever it is, he hasn't stopped loving me and I am willing to wait. After reading that message for maybe tenth time or so, a song came to my mind and it hasn't left since. "I Have Confidence In Me" from The Sound of Music performed by Julie Andrews. I do have confidence in me and that's what'll keep me going.
So I thought to myself.. if this is the way it's gonna be - me willing to wait without being able to be with him at all - I am not going to just sit around and let life pass me by. My heart is reserved for him but I'm young and self-confident and won't deny myself anything I happen to want. Lovelife-wise, that is.
That said, be prepared for my past weekend lechery. (k, it's not THAT bad but bad enough.) And I'm not talking about Peter. Oh, but I can write about him when I go back to Thursday night/Friday morning.. So the weekend story will come a bit later.. hopefully it has gone more interesting by that time, too.
Love,
Passion
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Troubled -> Disturbed
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started. "I guess it's negative. I kind of promised Mary (his wife) that as long as we are living under the same roof there will be now other women in my life." I was stunned. That was so.. unexpected. A million thoughts raced through my head in the next two seconds, Does this mean we're over? Or does it mean we just have to wait for a little? Is it even about Mary? Did I do something wrong? Instead of saying anything of importance, I could only mumble a "Mhmm..". John then added hastly, "But now the question is if and for how long DO I stay under that roof." I was sitting there, eyes as wide as they could be, teeth clenched to keep the tears back, and again a lousy 'mhm' was all I could get out.
He didn't say more about that, just that we need to talk face to face. He promised to contact me in the next couple of days to let me know when can it be done. We had some pointless small talk for a few more minutes (well, I actually like the small talk part, it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one) and then he hung up and went back to his reunion, leaving me sobbing on my bed. It was the first time he had made me cry. And cry, oh boy, I did.
As I told you before, that was on Saturday, 25th of July. I did not hear from him in the next couple of days. Actually, I didn't hear from him for almost a week. And when I did, it wasn't because of him wanting to set a date. It was because of the e-mail I sent him on Monday. I didn't plan on contacting him myself but I just couldn't keep my thoughts in anymore and since he obviously wasn't available for a conversation, I didn't see any other way but to e-mail him.
I started off with some witty remarks but actually it was all filled with pain. I kept the letter quiet and reasonable, even 'tho there was a storm - not to say a hurricane - in the glass of water called my heart. I didn't accuse him of anything. I reminded him that once upon a time we had made an agreement - if one of us should lose interest in the other, the other one should be told and that without a delay. It hurts to be rejected but it's worse to be incognizant. I assured him I loved him and wasn't willing to give up without a fight, unless his feelings for me have died out. I regretted my own stupidity for being so naive - I had truly believed that something good had come my way. I asked him the respect to atleast give me a response of some kind.
Days went by and I still didn't hear from him. I had already been upset, disappointed, angry, worried - any negative emotion you can name, I guess. So by Friday I was already checking my e-mail out of habit, not even hoping to find anything of interest. But.. as I saw the 1 new message button my heart started racing, palms got sweaty and my soul was trembling. It was from John.
..to be continued.
Love,
Passion
He didn't say more about that, just that we need to talk face to face. He promised to contact me in the next couple of days to let me know when can it be done. We had some pointless small talk for a few more minutes (well, I actually like the small talk part, it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one) and then he hung up and went back to his reunion, leaving me sobbing on my bed. It was the first time he had made me cry. And cry, oh boy, I did.
As I told you before, that was on Saturday, 25th of July. I did not hear from him in the next couple of days. Actually, I didn't hear from him for almost a week. And when I did, it wasn't because of him wanting to set a date. It was because of the e-mail I sent him on Monday. I didn't plan on contacting him myself but I just couldn't keep my thoughts in anymore and since he obviously wasn't available for a conversation, I didn't see any other way but to e-mail him.
I started off with some witty remarks but actually it was all filled with pain. I kept the letter quiet and reasonable, even 'tho there was a storm - not to say a hurricane - in the glass of water called my heart. I didn't accuse him of anything. I reminded him that once upon a time we had made an agreement - if one of us should lose interest in the other, the other one should be told and that without a delay. It hurts to be rejected but it's worse to be incognizant. I assured him I loved him and wasn't willing to give up without a fight, unless his feelings for me have died out. I regretted my own stupidity for being so naive - I had truly believed that something good had come my way. I asked him the respect to atleast give me a response of some kind.
Days went by and I still didn't hear from him. I had already been upset, disappointed, angry, worried - any negative emotion you can name, I guess. So by Friday I was already checking my e-mail out of habit, not even hoping to find anything of interest. But.. as I saw the 1 new message button my heart started racing, palms got sweaty and my soul was trembling. It was from John.
..to be continued.
Love,
Passion
Monday, August 3, 2009
Retaining a memory
A little entr'acte before continuing the case of John and me.
A funny habit Peter has - works like clockwork, 'tho - is communing with me for a few days and then contacting me again exactly after two weeks. I doubt he does it on purpose but maybe that's when his subconscious insinuates him it's the optimal time to remind himself to a woman so the woman wouldn't think too much of it nor lost interest.
Anyway, he sent me a text today. About being by the bluest lake and under the bluest sky and asking how is my summer going. He couldn't keep from refering to a time we spontaneously had sex on the beach and no, I am not talking about the cocktail. We were on our way back to town from a romantic getaway, he had a few hours to a business meeting. The weather was perfect and so had been the night before so I was looking for a chance to prolong our little adventure - I asked if he had couple more hours to spare and suggested finding a beach on the way. He willingly agreed and handed me the road map.
When we arrived at the beach it wasn't as empty as we had both secretly hoped (well, it was around noon and the weather was great.. actually there were only around ten individuals) but walking coastwise we found a rather isolated spot. There was a big bush of wild roses on one side and reed on the other side; behind us some bushes and pine trees; in front of us straws and a magnificent view of the oh so still and shimmery sea. He layd out a blanket and I undressed down to my bikini. I sat down on the blanket and so did he.
He leaned towards me and kissed me gently. He pulled back to look into my eyes; I smiled knowingly and a second later we were already engaged in passionate kissing. Both my bikini top and bottom are tied with strings which make them rather easily removable, although for a man as skilled as him that's not important, I suppose. Nevertheless, it helped to make things more interesting as Peter kissed his way down my body and pulled the bikini bottom strings loose with his teeth, saying he's helping me prevent tanning lines. Sex on the beach accompanied by a soft breeze, the sound of the sea and birds, the thrill of getting caught (someone actually DID pass our spot at some point but that didn't change anything).. We even looked for a position where we both could see the sea at some point.
After we both had come we took a moment to catch our breath and then went for a swim. Well, if you could call getting in and out of the water in two minutes swimming - it was extremely cold. We saw people down the shore so I guess they probably were able to see us, too. But hey, there were no children around and we were still rather isolated. Walking back we passed a couple who had also looked for a separated place but had not come as far as we were. They saw us skinny-dipping for sure and the girl was tanning topless - we were sure it's gonna get a lot hotter there, too.
It was a purrrfect conclusion to our getaway. On the drive back I had three bananas - one of my favourite snacks, especially after a good work-out, and THAT sex with Peter most surely is. He then dropped me off and went to his meeting.
So today the two week cycle got full and he sent me a text. This time it most surely was not about him looking to get some since as it turned out, he is abroad, on a business trip. We sent a few witty lines back and forth and that was it. More than enough for me, to be honest. Anyway, this was supposed to be a short notice of Peter contacting me and look what turned out. I will continue with John with the next post, I promise.
Love,
Passion
A funny habit Peter has - works like clockwork, 'tho - is communing with me for a few days and then contacting me again exactly after two weeks. I doubt he does it on purpose but maybe that's when his subconscious insinuates him it's the optimal time to remind himself to a woman so the woman wouldn't think too much of it nor lost interest.
Anyway, he sent me a text today. About being by the bluest lake and under the bluest sky and asking how is my summer going. He couldn't keep from refering to a time we spontaneously had sex on the beach and no, I am not talking about the cocktail. We were on our way back to town from a romantic getaway, he had a few hours to a business meeting. The weather was perfect and so had been the night before so I was looking for a chance to prolong our little adventure - I asked if he had couple more hours to spare and suggested finding a beach on the way. He willingly agreed and handed me the road map.
When we arrived at the beach it wasn't as empty as we had both secretly hoped (well, it was around noon and the weather was great.. actually there were only around ten individuals) but walking coastwise we found a rather isolated spot. There was a big bush of wild roses on one side and reed on the other side; behind us some bushes and pine trees; in front of us straws and a magnificent view of the oh so still and shimmery sea. He layd out a blanket and I undressed down to my bikini. I sat down on the blanket and so did he.
He leaned towards me and kissed me gently. He pulled back to look into my eyes; I smiled knowingly and a second later we were already engaged in passionate kissing. Both my bikini top and bottom are tied with strings which make them rather easily removable, although for a man as skilled as him that's not important, I suppose. Nevertheless, it helped to make things more interesting as Peter kissed his way down my body and pulled the bikini bottom strings loose with his teeth, saying he's helping me prevent tanning lines. Sex on the beach accompanied by a soft breeze, the sound of the sea and birds, the thrill of getting caught (someone actually DID pass our spot at some point but that didn't change anything).. We even looked for a position where we both could see the sea at some point.
After we both had come we took a moment to catch our breath and then went for a swim. Well, if you could call getting in and out of the water in two minutes swimming - it was extremely cold. We saw people down the shore so I guess they probably were able to see us, too. But hey, there were no children around and we were still rather isolated. Walking back we passed a couple who had also looked for a separated place but had not come as far as we were. They saw us skinny-dipping for sure and the girl was tanning topless - we were sure it's gonna get a lot hotter there, too.
It was a purrrfect conclusion to our getaway. On the drive back I had three bananas - one of my favourite snacks, especially after a good work-out, and THAT sex with Peter most surely is. He then dropped me off and went to his meeting.
So today the two week cycle got full and he sent me a text. This time it most surely was not about him looking to get some since as it turned out, he is abroad, on a business trip. We sent a few witty lines back and forth and that was it. More than enough for me, to be honest. Anyway, this was supposed to be a short notice of Peter contacting me and look what turned out. I will continue with John with the next post, I promise.
Love,
Passion
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Troubled
It has been only a week and a couple of days since my last post and things already have got so much more complicated. I have no idea what it's all about and what the future holds. But let me walk you through the time since the previous post.
As you know, by Friday I knew he was getting better and had received my messages. Him not answering me was rather troubling and made me quite anxious. I tried convincing myself I'm just imagining things but.. Anyway, driven by trepidation I sent him a text telling him to at least let me know if I shouldn't bother him anymore. Sounds childish, I know, but at that point I felt I have to do something and the usual how-are-you-messages didn't give any result.
Saturday night was the first time he contacted me since the short text on Monday. He called me. I could sense that things weren't right, there was this weird hesitation not to say callousness in his voice. He was at his class reunion and mainly talked about that as trying to avoid talking on more important subjects. The tears I had been holding back for the past week came pouring like rain. I hate the way men can be - he asked me if I was crying and I told him it was just cold; he believed me. Actually, I'm sure it was just the ever so manly way to use the easy way out since which man wants to deal with a weeping damsel.
Finally he got it out: we need to meet and talk at some time. Didn't sound too promising, to be honest. He told me he would contact me in a few days and let me know when could we do it. We ended the call shortly after that and I felt like crap. I was even more anxious than before and there was only one question twirling in my head: what does he want to talk about? It was absolutely unbareable so I decided to call him back and ask if he was going to tell me something negative or positive.
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started.
... to be continued. Family barbeque awaits.
Love,
Passion
As you know, by Friday I knew he was getting better and had received my messages. Him not answering me was rather troubling and made me quite anxious. I tried convincing myself I'm just imagining things but.. Anyway, driven by trepidation I sent him a text telling him to at least let me know if I shouldn't bother him anymore. Sounds childish, I know, but at that point I felt I have to do something and the usual how-are-you-messages didn't give any result.
Saturday night was the first time he contacted me since the short text on Monday. He called me. I could sense that things weren't right, there was this weird hesitation not to say callousness in his voice. He was at his class reunion and mainly talked about that as trying to avoid talking on more important subjects. The tears I had been holding back for the past week came pouring like rain. I hate the way men can be - he asked me if I was crying and I told him it was just cold; he believed me. Actually, I'm sure it was just the ever so manly way to use the easy way out since which man wants to deal with a weeping damsel.
Finally he got it out: we need to meet and talk at some time. Didn't sound too promising, to be honest. He told me he would contact me in a few days and let me know when could we do it. We ended the call shortly after that and I felt like crap. I was even more anxious than before and there was only one question twirling in my head: what does he want to talk about? It was absolutely unbareable so I decided to call him back and ask if he was going to tell me something negative or positive.
"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started.
... to be continued. Family barbeque awaits.
Love,
Passion
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