Sunday, August 9, 2009

Troubled -> Disturbed

"I didn't want to talk about this on the phone but.." he started. "I guess it's negative. I kind of promised Mary (his wife) that as long as we are living under the same roof there will be now other women in my life." I was stunned. That was so.. unexpected. A million thoughts raced through my head in the next two seconds, Does this mean we're over? Or does it mean we just have to wait for a little? Is it even about Mary? Did I do something wrong? Instead of saying anything of importance, I could only mumble a "Mhmm..". John then added hastly, "But now the question is if and for how long DO I stay under that roof." I was sitting there, eyes as wide as they could be, teeth clenched to keep the tears back, and again a lousy 'mhm' was all I could get out.

He didn't say more about that, just that we need to talk face to face. He promised to contact me in the next couple of days to let me know when can it be done. We had some pointless small talk for a few more minutes (well, I actually like the small talk part, it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one) and then he hung up and went back to his reunion, leaving me sobbing on my bed. It was the first time he had made me cry. And cry, oh boy, I did.

As I told you before, that was on Saturday, 25th of July. I did not hear from him in the next couple of days. Actually, I didn't hear from him for almost a week. And when I did, it wasn't because of him wanting to set a date. It was because of the e-mail I sent him on Monday. I didn't plan on contacting him myself but I just couldn't keep my thoughts in anymore and since he obviously wasn't available for a conversation, I didn't see any other way but to e-mail him.

I started off with some witty remarks but actually it was all filled with pain. I kept the letter quiet and reasonable, even 'tho there was a storm - not to say a hurricane - in the glass of water called my heart. I didn't accuse him of anything. I reminded him that once upon a time we had made an agreement - if one of us should lose interest in the other, the other one should be told and that without a delay. It hurts to be rejected but it's worse to be incognizant. I assured him I loved him and wasn't willing to give up without a fight, unless his feelings for me have died out. I regretted my own stupidity for being so naive - I had truly believed that something good had come my way. I asked him the respect to atleast give me a response of some kind.

Days went by and I still didn't hear from him. I had already been upset, disappointed, angry, worried - any negative emotion you can name, I guess. So by Friday I was already checking my e-mail out of habit, not even hoping to find anything of interest. But.. as I saw the 1 new message button my heart started racing, palms got sweaty and my soul was trembling. It was from John. be continued.




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Cocaine Princess said...
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Cocaine Princess said...

How precious and valuable a person's heart is. It can produce the most blissful feeling of ecstasy and yet it can also produce unimaginable pain.

"it's not about the words it's about hearing the voice and sensing the presence of your loved one"

So true. Beautifully written.

Passion Fruit said...

I wish the sorrow could be avoided but I guess being acquainted with the pain makes it possible to really value the moments of happiness.

Cocaine Princess said...

Peter, you woke up with Peter...Hmmm.....