Monday, August 17, 2009

Troubled -> Disturbed -> Confident

He had put his response into three rather short paragraphs. I suppose he managed to deliver his every message with just a few sentences but I was hoping for something in the capacity of a novel, I guess. Hell, the three paragraphs could've been a best-selling trilogy! Anyway, let me do some imparting towards you and make his short messages even shorter.

§1. My letter has saddened him. He didn't want to hurt me but knows he has and that saddens him even more.

§2. He agrees that avoiding, dissembling and such is very careless and not fair. Right now, he can't evolve our relationsip anymore. He didn't want to say that by e-mail but he also didn't want to keep me uninformed.

§3. He feels really lousy but he doesn't see another way in the situation and thus has made his decision. He is sorry that he will probably lose my affection and respect by acting the way he is.

You can only imagine how I felt reading it. I was prepared for something unpleasant reason-wise but it's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason so .. in a matter of seconds my heart had dropped to my stomach, racing like crazy. I felt an imaginary string around my neck and the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I couldn't focus my sight on anything nor could I understand what other people around me were saying. Fortunately they weren't talking to me - it would've gained too much energy and willpower to get a grip of myself for communicating normally, and not burst in tears in public. *I'm experiencing the same physical symptoms again just by writing about it.*

Anyway, I did get a grip of myself. I am too inquisitive (Reading Between The Lines would be my Indian name) to just leave such a thing to that - I immediately had a handful of questions so I sent him a few of them. What did the not right now considering evolving our relationship mean? Was it just to soften the blow or does it mean after some time he could?? What is the situation that made him make the decision he made? Is it conditioned by some kind of external factors or have his feelings for me simply faded away? And a few more of the same tone. I also let him know he could never lose my affection - even if I tried thinking badly of him I wouldn't be able to.

I got a short reply already the next day. This time it really was short:

Haven't faded away. You're dear. You're good at reading between lines :) Really can't say more right now.

Some twenty minutes after that he had sent another one saying he really doesn't want to discuss these matters via e-mail but in person. He stated he wants to meet and talk (hmm, where have I heard that before?).

Anyway, that was the last time I heard of him and that was on the first of August. About a week ago I sent him another e-mail describing what I miss about him. I do miss him. But after reading that last but one e-mail all (or most) of my despair vanished. I know now that what ever it is, he hasn't stopped loving me and I am willing to wait. After reading that message for maybe tenth time or so, a song came to my mind and it hasn't left since. "I Have Confidence In Me" from The Sound of Music performed by Julie Andrews. I do have confidence in me and that's what'll keep me going.

So I thought to myself.. if this is the way it's gonna be - me willing to wait without being able to be with him at all - I am not going to just sit around and let life pass me by. My heart is reserved for him but I'm young and self-confident and won't deny myself anything I happen to want. Lovelife-wise, that is.

That said, be prepared for my past weekend lechery. (k, it's not THAT bad but bad enough.) And I'm not talking about Peter. Oh, but I can write about him when I go back to Thursday night/Friday morning.. So the weekend story will come a bit later.. hopefully it has gone more interesting by that time, too.




Cocaine Princess said...

Brilliant post.

"It's impossible to get the Heart to listen to the Reason."

That is why love is not logical. That is why love makes us dizzy and insane.

Passion Fruit said...

Thank you Princess.

Yes, love is far from logical.. And yet some people try to deny it.

JennyMac said...

Love...powerful tool...powerful drug. Good luck with this situation.

littlesack said...

not me mondays! are the best free therapy available! join in next week.

Passion Fruit said...

Hehe.. I think I already have some therapeutical negations stored, and it's only Tuesday!