John: Things Will Never Change

As I told you the last time, John had promised to call me on last Tuesday. Somewhere around afternoon I sent him a text calling his bluff. Half an hour later he called just to tell me how busy he had been the whole day. I had a meeting coming up so I couldn't meet him and promised to call him later. I did around seven but then he was already busy again. He was attending an opening event for some project. I was at friend's place very close to his event so I told him to call me later in the night when the important parts of the event are over and when he's coming out for a cigarette or smt. He didn't.

I sent him a text around midnight asking if he was still there. As I found out in the morning, yes, he had been. He had sent me a text around four o'clock in the morning saying sorry and that the concert had been loud and his phone had been muted and that he would call me in the morning. Duh! You take your phone out yourself if you want contact, not apologize for not having read other's texts. Obviously I didn't believe him but I didn't say anything either.

So 'morning' was around five o'clock in the afternoon. He was already leaving town but I was at a long meeting anyway. 'I will be back in town on Friday. Maybe we can meet then?' Hah. I don't think I sounded exactly too enthusiastic when giving him an answer. 'Yeaaah.. Well, I've got school this weekend so I'll be in J-Town.' That pretty much brought an end to our conversation.

Friday night was a girls' night out. Me and a girlfriend from school went to a bar for some snack and warm-up drinks first and then to a club. Which was EMPTY! I have no idea what was that about since the club is very popular there and usually packed. When we got there there was around four individuals besides us and the staff and throughout the night maybe 30-40 came by, a maximum of 20 on the dance floor at one time. Anyway, at least it wasn't hot and sweaty and there was enough room and oxygen for all of us so we did what we had come to do - dance, dance, dance!

We left around twenty past three and I was in bed by a quarter to four. I tried to fall asleep but it was so cold in the dorm I barely could. At 05:26 I got an SMS from John. By exchanging a few of those he found out I was in J-Town and at the dorm. He let me know he was going to a friend's room and wanted to know what I was doing. You ask me that half past five in the morning?? 'What should I be doing? Probably trying to get a few hours of sleep before class.' That was it and I fell asleep again.

Ten minutes past six John called me. The next ten minutes he was telling me he had the key to a room in the guest house part of the dorm and that I would be a lot more comfortable there, and I kept telling him I've got school at nine and I have to get at least SOME sleep. The conversation resulted with me packing my tooth brush, shampoo and make-up and going.

A few minutes before half past six we were already at the small kitchen table in the forementioned room, puffing on a cigarette. 'We're not going to talk about anything serious now, are we?' It was more of a statement than a question. I shook my head so we started to talk about.. well, what ever. Mainly work. Around seven he remembered I had class at nine so he suggested I'd go to sleep and hurried to check if the bed was made. I stood up and when he came back he took me in arms and held me tight and long, burying his face into my neck. He the pulled back just a little to look into my eyes. There was a mix of hurt and tenderness in them, probably the same he saw in mine. And then he kissed me. I had almost forgot how soft his lips were.

We broke it off and when moving to the bedroom I asked him if he wasn't going to sleep there. He thought a little and even 'tho he had planned on going home (which was the apartment next to ours) he decided to stay. It was cold there, too, so I refused to go all naked and left my close-fitting turtleneck and panties on. I turned my back to him and was ready for some spooning and an hour and a half of sweet dreams. That didn't work for Mister I-Wan't-Things-My-Way so I turned around to face him. It was so good and yet so painful to be in his arms. I tried my best to hold back the tears, especially when he told me that even 'tho we weren't supposed to talk about it this time he just couldn't get our last call off his mind. I didn't say anything.

At some point we finally fell asleep. When the phone alarm went off I shut it, thought for half a second about the class and about getting a chance to be with John like this again, and went back to sleep. Eventually we woke up around eleven. Half an hour later he had to leave in a real hurry since his friends came behind his door (which was the door next to our room) to look for him. He told me to keep the key for now and, after giving me a kiss, left.

I was convinced we were going to meet again in the evening since I told him about a concert I had planned on going to and he told me he would come, too. Guess who wasn't there? Everybody from our 'gang' was there except him and his wife. Others told me he was sleeping at home since and had promised to join later. He didn't. And he also had his phoned switched off. I don't think he was sleepy. I think his wife was pissed since he hadn't been home the last night. And I think she might even think I had something to do with it since it was me and her who were supposed to go to the concert in the first place but she didn't answer my calls. The next time I talk to John I'll ask him about it.

I left J-Town Sunday morning half past six. John called me Sunday afternoon apologizing about not coming and asking what did I do with the key since that had been my main subject in texts to him - what should I do with it? Well, I did the only thing I could, I gave it to the dorm guard lady even 'tho it was weird that I was returning the dorm room key I had got on my name and then a guest house room key which I should've had nothing to do with. Anyway, he also asked me when I was coming back to J-Town again and when I told him the next weekend, it turned out he himself won't be there.

As the title says, I think things with John will never change. He will probably always be pushing me away. And always following me where ever he pushed me.



Love,


Passion


P.S. We did sleep in eachother's arms but we did not have sex. At one point when he had let his hands wander off and the kissing had become a bit more passionate he asked me if I would surrender him 'right now' I told him 'no'. Actually I was prepared for it by Saturday night and actually already wanted it.. but as you know, he didn't show up.

Mommy the Jackal

This is the conversation that took place between me and my mother when we met yesterday for a while and were driving around in her car.

Me - You know, I talked to relative A yesterday and the subject went over to you. We talked about your new job and you closing the studio and all.. But that you could never live without dance so you will probably be giving workshops as long as anyone ever asks you to.

Mom - Yeah? Ah, I guess you might be right.

Me - Anyway, as I talked about you loving your dancing, she remembered the time when relatives C and D got married. A was there with her husband B and so were you. And you unhappily told A and B that you would really like to dance the waltz but you didn't know how so A showed you the steps and B danced with you. Aaaand a few years later you and A went to dancing classes together.

Mom - Hmm.. Really? My, she sure has a good memory. But it can't be that I didn't know the steps.. I've got a feeling I was already quite a jackal back then and I actually just wanted to dance with B.

Me - *a moment of silence* Umm.. That sounded exactly like something that I would do.

***

Mom and A took dancing classes together when she was around seventeen. Anyway, that short little conversation was quite an eye-opener.


Love,

Passion

John: Taken Aback

My heart is racing right now. I feel dizzy, very dizzy. It's hard to focus my sight, hard to focus on anything at all. I just got a text from John. I haven't heard from him.. well, since the last time I told you I heard of him. I just checked my e-mail. The last time I heard from him was on 1st of August. It's been freakin' one and a half months!!!

Now let me breathe for a moment. The text he sent held nothing but the name of the city he lives in and a question mark. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before but I live in one city and study in another, I'm in a long distance program so I go there twice a month. He lives in the city I study in. Therefor I responded I wasn't there but at home and that it wasn't school yet.

"Haven't seen you around. Are you still attending school?" Well, duh, I just told you it hasn't started yet.

"School hasn't started yet. But I've got the impression that it suits you better anyway when I'm not around. How are you?" was my response.

"Great. Couldn't be any better. We just got a *some random BS about his work* title."

"Congratulations." What else was I to say?

"Thank you." Was the last one which I got four minutes ago.

F*ck, I don't know how to react. There's a whirlpool of emotions storming inside me at the moment:

1) I'm shocked since I didn't think I'd hear from him again before we met through our mutual friends by chance

2) I'm angry since he pulled his usual pointless small talk act on me again. I mean what is this is supposed to be, mister? You contact me out of the blue and then talk about your freakin' JOB????

3) I couldn't be happier. I'm all tingly and the butterflies in my stomach make me want to vomit (you know, like in South Park).

I really don't know what to do know. I can't send anything myself after that 'Thank you' message, can I? I'm too scared he won't answer me, anyway.

I know I have some Valerian somewhere.. That should do the trick of calming me down.


Love,

Passion

*** EDIT

I couldn't hold myself back and DID send him another text myself. I'm sorry but I still haven't understood what have/had I done to deserve this kind of treatment.

He hasn't responded. I'm such a weak little wuss.

**** EDIT

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH HIM AS I WRITE THIS SENTENCE.


***** EDIT

So this is the last edit for this post. I just got off the phone with John (the call lasted for 31 minutes). Most of the time he gave me the usual age difference cr*p. He kept on telling me he was too old and didn't deserve me and that I was so young and fresh and should find a guy my own age who would be so much better for me than him. He tried to convince me that time will heal all wounds and that I should just forget about him. I didn't say much since I had tears pouring the whole time but in the last five minutes I decided to go for it since I had had enough of his usual BS. I gave him a speech about that age argument being old and pointless since I've never cared for it. I told him that love doesn't ask for age and that he either has a deeper reason and he's not telling me or he doesn't have a real reason. I said that eventually it will come down to the fact whether there is love or isn't love, and if there is it's stupid to make up excuses only out of fear of failure. During and after my little speech he was really quiet which is very unusual since he is such a chatter-box. When he finally spoke this is what he said: You're even better than I thought you were. Anyway, it turned out he's going to be in my city on the next Tuesday so he promised to call me. I asked him to think about what I had said and he responded he already knows what I meant.

I was really panicked before and especially during the call but when I finally got to put my foot down and when I felt the difference in his attitude after my speech.. I just felt calm. So what ever the outcome is at least I know my heart is clean.

Mark: Curious part 2

By the time we got back from the hike it was already around 9PM. A few guests that had left on Saturday night had come back during our hike but most of them left soon. My mother among them. Be a good girl, she said when I escorted her to her car. Don't do anything mischievous. Well, I was drunk when she told me that. I tried my best to seem as clear as possible, and to sound as credible as possible, when saying Oh c'mon.. Pleeeaaasee.. Why would I ever do anything like that?

Later on after dinner (accompanied by alcohol and more alcohol) we were all (a group of ten or so) sitting around the table in the party tent and just chillin'. And then we started playing cards. We all invited some good friends to join us, my BFF was Champagne with Watermelon Chunks. That was because the cards were for drinking games, not for good old poker. I was sitting next to Mark and on his other hand was Grace. What a lucky guy, a blonde on his one hand and a brunette on his other.

We all got more and more drunk and some people were already going to bed. Eventually it was me, Mark, Grace, The Bride and The Photographer (obviously not in the condition to be taking any pictures that night). And that's when things got awkward. Who knows why but all of sudden Mark and Grace were having an argument over the table (by that time I was sitting between them). Grace left saying that she has had it and that she is going to sleep. The Bride went after her.

We were sitting there with Mark, both wasted and he in a very grumpy mood. Before I got a chance to say anything The Bride was back. She was almost hysterical (drunk hysterical which isn't particularily fun) and very angry with Mark for making a person she loves cry. 'You might see her as an angel, you know, everybody does. But you don't understand that she's like the devil to me,' he said. That didn't really work, you know. So I got up and tried my best to calm her down, telling her to go and check up on Grace and let me handle Mark (I still don't understand how I manage to do things like that). And to go to sleep, both her and Grace. Unbelievable, but she did.

I sat down next to Mark and put my hand on his shoulder to talk to him about the whole thing. He pushed me away. Don't touch me. I know you're on their side, I heard you talking to The Bride. What do you do with an almost hysterical man that is grumpy, irritable and resentful? You lie to them. Tell them sweet little white lies. Such as I just wanted to calm her down, ACTUALLY I'm on your side. Well, it wasn't all lies, I really wanted to calm The Bride down so she would leave and give me some alone time with Mark.

So we just started to chat and he cooled pretty much off. We talked about love, life, politics, anything. Not that I recall any details since as you might remember, we were absolutely wasted. But you too may have experienced the way people become great thinkers, true philosophers when they bring their good buddy Booze to the set. We sat there for hours, and as the night before, he again kept on telling me how beautiful I was and how good it was to listen to me and how much he enjoys chatting with me. The 'I really shouldn't be saying this but..' hadn't left us either.

At the beginning Grace kept on calling him. He kept on ending the call. And she still kept on calling. And he still kept on ending the call. Then she started texting. The first few he read but at some point he didn't even bother anymore. So there we were, chatting away. Suddenly I noticed we hadn't been talking for a while. We had been kissing. Hmm, how did that happen, I wonder? There was a moment when he broke the kiss and turned his head towards the open wall of the tent. We have already been seen, he said.


Oh my, I did promise to finish with the wedding with this post but obviously this isn't the case. So much for making it short. Stay tuned for more!

To be continued.


Love,

Passion

Pseudo problem

I keep having trouble with putting titles to my posts. Usually when I start a new post I write the title first, expressing the first word or emotion that comes to my mind when thinking about the subject I plan to write about. But the time lines of my stories are often so long that I cut the story into two or more posts so in the end the title doesn't match the post since it's related to the end of the story. AND when I want to check up on any of the older posts I usually don't remember anymore about which person was which post. So I'm giving up my favorite title format and am going to start using a more rational one. The kind of one that makes things easier to follow. Ha ha, now this was one hell of a content-rich post. Forgive me that, it was more like an explanation to myself.

Love,

Passion

Curious

Mark and I became more friendly later that night. We hadn't met before since I haven't attended any family events of that branch of the family for years, and he is the boyfriend of one of my relatives from that very branch. As we chatted every now and then, it became more and more clear we had chemistry. Every now and then he told me how beautiful I was, each time accompanied by a 'I really shouldn't be saying this but..'.

At some point he did something really stupid. Well, we were all drunk but still. We were sitting on benches facing each other and talking and suddenly he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a quick kiss; it wasn't much, lasted maybe for a second or so, you know the kind of one where the lips touch just for a moment and you don't really have the time nor the need to open your mouth but when parting the lips part the last and obviously not willingly. Well, he really got me by surprise. Since, you know, we were in a party tent with at least 10-15 of others still there, plus the band playing right in front of our noses. At that moment, it seemed to me that no one had noticed.

As it turned out, someone HAD noticed. Lucky for us, it wasn't Grace, his girlfriend (and my relative. We have the same family name.). It was the bride's father, Grace's uncle. At some point, when Mark nor Grace were around, he told me to be careful when choosing people to be around and to behave myself. He didn't mention any names but it was more than obvious since we had been getting along too well with Mark. Of course, I said. Everything's under control, I assured.

When ever we happened to be on our own, Mark always started with another one of his 'I know I shouldn't say this but..'s. At one point, he even asked me why did I hate Grace so much. I was confused - why would I ever hate Grace? I hadn't seen her for at least five years. He thought that I was playing with him t get back at Grace. I haven't done anything, I told him. Besides, I am not the one who has to answer to anyone here. And then he kissed me. It wasn't long but it sure was passionate. No buss this time. And then he went to sleep and so did I. Separately.

The next morning (well, it was around noon actually) the whole crowd didn't risk with getting a hangover and continued drinking. Mine and Grace's sister's Let's-Prevent-Hangover-And-Get-Drunk-Again Drink was beer and white wine, half-and-half in one glass. We were planning on going hiking and were waiting for everyone to get up and get ready. As usually, Mark was the last one to come up, some others had already drank too much by that time and went BACK to sleep. A bit later he came to me with funny news.

'Grace told me you had pretty pictures on Orkut. She also asked me if I liked that pretty girl.' OK, I thought to myself. Gotta be more careful from here on. And still I managed to get on their car when it was time to hit the road to drive to the hiking route. And most of the time during the hiking Mark and me kept rather close. Not all of the time but some for sure. Especially in the end, when we walked side by side and talked quietly. He kept on coming with that notorious line of his, usually followed by a You're so beautiful or It's so good to listen to you.

When we got back to the cars, we had to wait for Grace to come since she was the last one in the line. This round it was Grace's sister who sat in the passenger seat instead of Mark. Mark was sitting next to me in the back. There was one more guy back there so there wasn't much of room so we were pressed against each other rather tight. Obviously, neither of us complained. The not so great part was Grace addressing Mark with something by starting with 'When you stop the hitting on,'. She had some petty request but the first part of the sentence was the alerting one. Be more careful! a little Devil shouted on my shoulder. The little Angel was on a vay-cay.

To be continued. The next time I will end the wedding part and if it doesn't get too long, let you know about the present-day, too. The past two days have been rather.. interesting in the Mark department.

Love,

Passion

S.O.S.

My sweet little laptop is having some issues. She (yes, it's a she) doesn't want me to come online anymore, I suspect, since her wireless network adapter is giving me some trouble. It seems to be lost! I'm not sure if the problem is with the hardware or the driver but I sure know I can't use any wireless. And that's all I have at my apartment. Hopefully things get fixed soon since the Mark story is getting longer and more interesting (for me, at least) by the minute. ;)

Hope to update soon!

Love,

Passion