Monday, September 28, 2009

John: Things Will Never Change

As I told you the last time, John had promised to call me on last Tuesday. Somewhere around afternoon I sent him a text calling his bluff. Half an hour later he called just to tell me how busy he had been the whole day. I had a meeting coming up so I couldn't meet him and promised to call him later. I did around seven but then he was already busy again. He was attending an opening event for some project. I was at friend's place very close to his event so I told him to call me later in the night when the important parts of the event are over and when he's coming out for a cigarette or smt. He didn't.

I sent him a text around midnight asking if he was still there. As I found out in the morning, yes, he had been. He had sent me a text around four o'clock in the morning saying sorry and that the concert had been loud and his phone had been muted and that he would call me in the morning. Duh! You take your phone out yourself if you want contact, not apologize for not having read other's texts. Obviously I didn't believe him but I didn't say anything either.

So 'morning' was around five o'clock in the afternoon. He was already leaving town but I was at a long meeting anyway. 'I will be back in town on Friday. Maybe we can meet then?' Hah. I don't think I sounded exactly too enthusiastic when giving him an answer. 'Yeaaah.. Well, I've got school this weekend so I'll be in J-Town.' That pretty much brought an end to our conversation.

Friday night was a girls' night out. Me and a girlfriend from school went to a bar for some snack and warm-up drinks first and then to a club. Which was EMPTY! I have no idea what was that about since the club is very popular there and usually packed. When we got there there was around four individuals besides us and the staff and throughout the night maybe 30-40 came by, a maximum of 20 on the dance floor at one time. Anyway, at least it wasn't hot and sweaty and there was enough room and oxygen for all of us so we did what we had come to do - dance, dance, dance!

We left around twenty past three and I was in bed by a quarter to four. I tried to fall asleep but it was so cold in the dorm I barely could. At 05:26 I got an SMS from John. By exchanging a few of those he found out I was in J-Town and at the dorm. He let me know he was going to a friend's room and wanted to know what I was doing. You ask me that half past five in the morning?? 'What should I be doing? Probably trying to get a few hours of sleep before class.' That was it and I fell asleep again.

Ten minutes past six John called me. The next ten minutes he was telling me he had the key to a room in the guest house part of the dorm and that I would be a lot more comfortable there, and I kept telling him I've got school at nine and I have to get at least SOME sleep. The conversation resulted with me packing my tooth brush, shampoo and make-up and going.

A few minutes before half past six we were already at the small kitchen table in the forementioned room, puffing on a cigarette. 'We're not going to talk about anything serious now, are we?' It was more of a statement than a question. I shook my head so we started to talk about.. well, what ever. Mainly work. Around seven he remembered I had class at nine so he suggested I'd go to sleep and hurried to check if the bed was made. I stood up and when he came back he took me in arms and held me tight and long, burying his face into my neck. He the pulled back just a little to look into my eyes. There was a mix of hurt and tenderness in them, probably the same he saw in mine. And then he kissed me. I had almost forgot how soft his lips were.

We broke it off and when moving to the bedroom I asked him if he wasn't going to sleep there. He thought a little and even 'tho he had planned on going home (which was the apartment next to ours) he decided to stay. It was cold there, too, so I refused to go all naked and left my close-fitting turtleneck and panties on. I turned my back to him and was ready for some spooning and an hour and a half of sweet dreams. That didn't work for Mister I-Wan't-Things-My-Way so I turned around to face him. It was so good and yet so painful to be in his arms. I tried my best to hold back the tears, especially when he told me that even 'tho we weren't supposed to talk about it this time he just couldn't get our last call off his mind. I didn't say anything.

At some point we finally fell asleep. When the phone alarm went off I shut it, thought for half a second about the class and about getting a chance to be with John like this again, and went back to sleep. Eventually we woke up around eleven. Half an hour later he had to leave in a real hurry since his friends came behind his door (which was the door next to our room) to look for him. He told me to keep the key for now and, after giving me a kiss, left.

I was convinced we were going to meet again in the evening since I told him about a concert I had planned on going to and he told me he would come, too. Guess who wasn't there? Everybody from our 'gang' was there except him and his wife. Others told me he was sleeping at home since and had promised to join later. He didn't. And he also had his phoned switched off. I don't think he was sleepy. I think his wife was pissed since he hadn't been home the last night. And I think she might even think I had something to do with it since it was me and her who were supposed to go to the concert in the first place but she didn't answer my calls. The next time I talk to John I'll ask him about it.

I left J-Town Sunday morning half past six. John called me Sunday afternoon apologizing about not coming and asking what did I do with the key since that had been my main subject in texts to him - what should I do with it? Well, I did the only thing I could, I gave it to the dorm guard lady even 'tho it was weird that I was returning the dorm room key I had got on my name and then a guest house room key which I should've had nothing to do with. Anyway, he also asked me when I was coming back to J-Town again and when I told him the next weekend, it turned out he himself won't be there.

As the title says, I think things with John will never change. He will probably always be pushing me away. And always following me where ever he pushed me.



P.S. We did sleep in eachother's arms but we did not have sex. At one point when he had let his hands wander off and the kissing had become a bit more passionate he asked me if I would surrender him 'right now' I told him 'no'. Actually I was prepared for it by Saturday night and actually already wanted it.. but as you know, he didn't show up.


Together We Save said...

Good decision not to have sex. It would just complicate things for you more.

Lin said...

You must have a rollercoaster of emotions going through you. I think it was good that you didnt have sex with him, it would have definetly complicated things (even more).

Some things just aren't meant to be & it sort of sounds like he's just playing around with your emotions.

Passion Fruit said...

Yes, he is playing with my emotions, and we both know it. And we both know he is playing with his own feelings, too. He keeps on trying to convince himself (and me) why we shouldn't be together but it never works. But I know that even 'tho we both can't really keep away from each other we could never really be together either. I just couldn't trust him and he could never make up his mind anyway (damn those Libras!).

But I did forget to mention that among the things that will never change is probably me always giving in, too. At least as long as I haven't got anyone else. I might be a little promiscous while single but I am more than serious when it comes to commitment.

Allyson said...

oh my gosh. this story reminds me of my sister when she was going through something like this. i can feel your pain in your writing. i am so sorry you are in this situation. sounds like to me that he doesn't deserve you. not one bit. it's hard to let go, but once you do, i think your prince will show! (that's just what I got out of this...i haven't been here since the beginning. sorry.)

jules said...

As much as you don't want to hear it, let him go. You deserve someone who is desperately seeking your attention, not the other way around! Put your energy into someone more worthwhile, better yet, let them come after you!

Passion Fruit said...

I have already decided to go on with my life (actually I have been doing that the whole time I didn't hear from him) without him but that does not mean I'm going to cut him off intirely. I don't have the time nor energy to waste on worrying about the whole situation with him but I don't really feel the need to be too resolute, either.

And about other men and their attention.. I have to carry around a stick to fight them off sometimes but unfortunately none of them has turned out to be Prince Charming :D

Miss Caught Up said...

Men can be so confusing sometimes...

Passion Fruit said...

I'm more than convinced they think the same about women.

Cocaine Princess said...

Playing with someones emotions is never right no matter the circumstances. The heart is too fragile. I also happen to agree with what Jules wrote.