Friday, September 18, 2009

John: Taken Aback

My heart is racing right now. I feel dizzy, very dizzy. It's hard to focus my sight, hard to focus on anything at all. I just got a text from John. I haven't heard from him.. well, since the last time I told you I heard of him. I just checked my e-mail. The last time I heard from him was on 1st of August. It's been freakin' one and a half months!!!

Now let me breathe for a moment. The text he sent held nothing but the name of the city he lives in and a question mark. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before but I live in one city and study in another, I'm in a long distance program so I go there twice a month. He lives in the city I study in. Therefor I responded I wasn't there but at home and that it wasn't school yet.

"Haven't seen you around. Are you still attending school?" Well, duh, I just told you it hasn't started yet.

"School hasn't started yet. But I've got the impression that it suits you better anyway when I'm not around. How are you?" was my response.

"Great. Couldn't be any better. We just got a *some random BS about his work* title."

"Congratulations." What else was I to say?

"Thank you." Was the last one which I got four minutes ago.

F*ck, I don't know how to react. There's a whirlpool of emotions storming inside me at the moment:

1) I'm shocked since I didn't think I'd hear from him again before we met through our mutual friends by chance

2) I'm angry since he pulled his usual pointless small talk act on me again. I mean what is this is supposed to be, mister? You contact me out of the blue and then talk about your freakin' JOB????

3) I couldn't be happier. I'm all tingly and the butterflies in my stomach make me want to vomit (you know, like in South Park).

I really don't know what to do know. I can't send anything myself after that 'Thank you' message, can I? I'm too scared he won't answer me, anyway.

I know I have some Valerian somewhere.. That should do the trick of calming me down.



*** EDIT

I couldn't hold myself back and DID send him another text myself. I'm sorry but I still haven't understood what have/had I done to deserve this kind of treatment.

He hasn't responded. I'm such a weak little wuss.

**** EDIT


***** EDIT

So this is the last edit for this post. I just got off the phone with John (the call lasted for 31 minutes). Most of the time he gave me the usual age difference cr*p. He kept on telling me he was too old and didn't deserve me and that I was so young and fresh and should find a guy my own age who would be so much better for me than him. He tried to convince me that time will heal all wounds and that I should just forget about him. I didn't say much since I had tears pouring the whole time but in the last five minutes I decided to go for it since I had had enough of his usual BS. I gave him a speech about that age argument being old and pointless since I've never cared for it. I told him that love doesn't ask for age and that he either has a deeper reason and he's not telling me or he doesn't have a real reason. I said that eventually it will come down to the fact whether there is love or isn't love, and if there is it's stupid to make up excuses only out of fear of failure. During and after my little speech he was really quiet which is very unusual since he is such a chatter-box. When he finally spoke this is what he said: You're even better than I thought you were. Anyway, it turned out he's going to be in my city on the next Tuesday so he promised to call me. I asked him to think about what I had said and he responded he already knows what I meant.

I was really panicked before and especially during the call but when I finally got to put my foot down and when I felt the difference in his attitude after my speech.. I just felt calm. So what ever the outcome is at least I know my heart is clean.


Anonymous said...

It seems I am going to have to dig around your blog a little for some background info! Nice post ... men are impossible!! ;0)

Passion Fruit said...

I made a bit easier now - I labelled all the posts by men so by clicking the 'John' label you're displayed all the posts with that label.

And men are more than impossible!

Cocaine Princess said...

"I feel dizzy, very dizzy. It's hard to focus my sight, hard to focus on anything at all"

-that is such a good feeling sometimes.

"time will heal all wounds"

-that's very easy for the other person to say but when you're the one who is in pain it's sort of the last thing you want to hear....but it is true.

Passion Fruit said...

It is.. sometimes. Not this time 'tho since it wasn't the kind of happy-excited dizzy but rather anxious-excited dizzy.

And yes, time does heal the wounds, it always does. I didn't argue him in that matter either. But when I asked who was he trying to convince - me or himself - he could only mumble something irrelevant.