Relieved/Worried

Peter laughed to himself quietly as he so often does. 'What is it now?' I asked, not taking my eyes off the horizon that had just swallowed the burning sun of July. 'Nothing..' he said, kissing my neck from behind me. 'It's just you are one of those rare women who, no matter how much one fondles or kisses them, won't have a slightest difference of facial expression. You just keep looking to nowhere with that serious yet dreamy gaze, but by not being stopped I can tell it's the lady's way of saying 'carry on'. Am I right?'. I smirked to myself. What a naive man! He thinks he still has the same power over me as before.

I was astounded by his openness when we first met. He always speaks his mind and well, we all know that women love with their ears. Woman, he called me. Beauty. Princess. Lady. Tigress. What ever excited him, he never held it to himself. If my outfit was a turn-on, he told me. If he liked my touch, he told me. If he wanted to touch me, he told me. And boy, was that intoxicating. The sex we had, was so passionate, so versatile, so.. good. I have no regrets what so ever. Atleast not on my behalf - I do wish he had wanted me for real, for himself. It's really a shame to give up the great sex. 'Tho I do have the feeling it wouldn't be so good now anyway, since I'm not attracted to him anymore. And my experience says that sex can never be good unless there is at least some chemistry between people - I've tried multiple times and it has always been boring. Maybe I'm just too much of a woman and emotions do play a big role in every aspect of my life.

Anyway, I was eager to see Peter, yet a little intimidated. I wasn't sure how I was to react since I hadn't seen him for more than a month. I had already got used to not being around him and didn't long for him at all. But my fear was that maybe that was only due to being with John, that maybe I was just distracted from thinking of Peter, and maybe when I saw him, everything was going to be as before. NOT. It was like going out with any other friend. I could've watched the sunset as well on my own, him holding me and kissing my neck and ears didn't make any difference. And the times he pulled me into the kiss, well, it used to blow me away. This time, it had no effect. None. It was so funny, and yet such a relief! .. Still I didn't cut him off just yet. We'll see how it goes with John, first.

Ah, John, my love. He has been sick for a week now.. A week ago was the last time I saw him. He has a bad case of angina. Very high fever and a sore throat. He has had his cell-phone turned off for the whole week since

a) people keep disturbing him with work-related matters
b) he sleeps most of the time which gives his wife an easy access (that can not happen).

I'm actually really worried. First of all, about his health. Angina can easily go from the throat to the heart and that can end really bad. He is old enough to be acceptive to that kind of problems. Secondly, I'm worried if he still cares for me. He probably does and I'm just being silly, but I haven't heard from him since Monday.. That was when he turned on his phone for a moment and sent me a text about being sorry for not answering and how sick he felt and that he was hopefully getting some meds soon. During this week I sent him maybe 2-3 short texts about being worried and hoping for his quick recovery. In the last one I asked him to call me when he turns on his phone again. Yesterday I got delivery messages for those texts of mine. No answer, not to mention a call. AND I got to talk to his daughter (who I've managed to bond with.. she, ofcourse, doesn't know anything of us) who said that the fever had gone down.. I don't know what to think but his phone is still off and I guess I just got to wait until he contacts me himself.

Until that I just need to keep myself busy.

Love,

Passion